My Painless Addiction (#Wattys2017)

Chapter 2

I rushed to the small flat that I had been living in ever since I came to this fucking place. Denver was a nice enough city but then it had its own share and set of dark alleys and assholes loitering around. Colorado wasn't far behind with an average, but its other towns were considerably better. But me, I wanted to go here.

I crashed into the gate, pushing it open and losing my balance as I crashed down on the fucking lawn that the landlady had planted. 

I didn't give a shit as I had always ended up stepping on it and not the pavement stones, or the weird stone walk she had made. She was going to scream at me tomorrow morning but hell, I wouldn't even be able to listen to her in the state I would be. I scrambled to my feet and I felt a surge of nostalgia as I rushed up the stairs to get into my small apartment to find the thing I needed the most right now. Just as I managed to push the key into the lock and open the door, I barged in, stumbling again. 

This was just like a deja vu. I had definitely done this before. 

I ran my hand through my hair, pushing it off my forehead as I looked around. Shirt pockets, behind the frames, between the curtains. 

Nothing. She did this on purpose. 

She wanted to crush me. 

I pulled out the drawers in anger as I wrecked my room even more searching for one thing that would give me solace right now.

I screamed and fell to my knees as clutched my hair in vain. My heart was rushing in a speed nobody knew and my head was throbbing. I needed it right now.

I pulled the covers off my bed, to check, but my efforts were in vain.

It was my own fault. I shouldn't have told her to hide it in a place I couldn't find. 

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"You won't need it anymore. I'll be there to make sure you won't." She had told me that day, as she took the small packet of powder in my hands. I had found it after a long time and I had hidden it in a hurry as she stepped into my room. But she had caught me in the process.

"I'm not sure yet. I don't know. Its something I can't get away from, Tina. You know that." I had replied, taking it back.

"You could try. Try to let go of it for once, Toni." was all she said, grabbing it away from my hands and scowling at me.

"Give it back!" I shouted and reached for her hand and my fingers wrapped around her wrist. A little bit too tight for her liking.

She gasped and pushed at my shoulders, as she bit down on her lip to keep her pain inside. I realized what I had been doing immediately and let go of her hand and stepped away.

She pulled her wrist away quickly and held it in the other hand and a lone tear escaped the rim of her eyes. She shook her head and turned away, holding her cries in.

"I know that I shouldn't be saying this but I thought you had changed. But it looks like you want that more than you want me in your life." she had responded, her eyes cast down. She was crying and I had fucked up again. These fucking mood swings due to prolonged use had messed up my life.

Shit.

I tended to do that. Fuck things up.

"Hey, Tina. It isn't like that. It's been a long time since I even looked at that. But baby, you know I'm trying. For you. I swear that I won't stop trying till you're here." I said, stepping before her and taking her face between my hands.

"I promise." I whispered and pressed my forehead to hers and she smiled and nodded.

"You'll be here, right?" I asked, closing my eyes. She hadn't replied as she pressed her lips to mine.

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She didn't answer me that day. And that was the first fucking sign. I should have known. 

I did remember her telling me that I wouldn't need them anymore again. She would make sure of that. As far as I know, she would have ended up hiding it somewhere. 

Not at her place, the police were sure to find out. And she was spotless. Unlike me. But I had cases which no one could prove unfortunately. Quick thinking and a bit of help in the department of money had made the law easy. 

Wrong? Yes.

I had to think. Where wouldn't I look for a packet of heroin even though I needed it the most?

My cupboards? No. Clothes, No. My room, No.

What about the landlady's house? She wouldn't let anyone inside, let alone, Palestina.

Her garden?

I slammed the door behind me as I rushed down the stairs. I was making a racket but the landlady would have to deal with it. 

I ran over to the front of the lawn when I noticed. The landlady had a rose plant, didn't she? And she hated it when anyone plucked those flowers. Palestina had taken one off and she threw a fit. Seriously, why grow flowers if you don't pluck the shit?

Her, again. 

My life revolved around her. And she threw it away.

Damn her and her fucking boyfriend to the pits of hell.

My guess was that if Palestina would choose a place to hide something, it would be a place she wouldn't go to again. And considering that she wouldn't hide it far or with her, and that I wouldn't go to places where she wouldn't want to go, I wouldn't even think about it.

I ran over to the rose bushes and dug into the earth around it. It was just a few minutes when my hand came in contact with the material. It had just been over a year since that happened so it was still fresh. 

I sighed in relief as I ripped the pack from the ground and shoved the soil back into the pit. Holding it between my fingers, was familiar. I ran back upstairs and locked myself in my bathroom, shutting the doors and windows, to prevent the smell from leaking out and getting caught.

I tore open the plastic, and emptied a bit out on the small foil I had and lit a matchstick. I didn't have to think about this. I had gotten so used to this that it just came naturally to me. 

Instinctive but deadly.

I ran the match under the foil and the smoke arose as I inhaled the slow lethal air in. It filled my head and I slipped into euphoria with every breath. 

This was me. 

Toni Mahfud, Literature and Art Student in the Denver University, 22 years old, occasional photographer, with an aunt who sent money every month, and lived in a ransacked and wrecked apartment, worked part time as an intern in the Austen publishing academy, commendable work.

But in importance.

A 3 year drug addict in Denver.