Letters of Amanda

Dear Best Friend,                                                                                                         October 29th, 2013

I'm sorry. I want to say so much more but all I can think of to say is I'm sorry because I feel like you don't know what I actually mean it. I'm sorry for so many things that I can't even count. I'm sorry for every little fight that we got into because of stupid things, I'm sorry for being mean to you when I don't mean to, I'm sorry for making you angry on purpose, I'm sorry for all the times that I made you feel like you weren't good enough. If only you knew how much you meant to me, you would change how you felt about yourself. We struggled through so much together and I'm glad to say that you are the one that made it to the finish line. I will always be by your side, just not physically. Keep me in your heart and keep me in your mind. I will still remember the first time that we met. We were 5 and just started kindergarten, You missed the first week of school because you have just moved here from Chicago. Miss Cherry told me to be your classroom buddy until you got more comfortable and used to the school and her classroom. I remember us sharing a cubby and sharing the red crayon during art time. You colored perfectly inside the lines and I was a mess. I remember going outside for recess. We would play house and you were my sister. We never grew out of being classroom buddies. We were lucky to be in the same classroom till 3 grade, but when you were placed in Mrs.Gordon's classroom and I was with Ms.Heffle, I cried until my mom talked to the principal and had me placed in Mrs.Gordon's class. From that day on, the school knew to never separate us. Then I remember going to middle school for the first time. We were both nervous with our backpacks on our backs and lunch in hand. I remember you wearing your favorite green sweater and I was wearing my favorite red one. Your mom always said it was like Christmas when we were together because of our favorite sweaters and our smiles that could light up the city. We survived the whole day with only 2 classes together. During our 3 years in middle school, the distant only made us closer. Freshmen year, you were right by my side. We were extremely nervous after watching countless t.v shows and movies about how horrifying highschool was. Our first day couldn't have been any better. I remember happy dancing with you when you got your first boyfriend, your first kiss, and helping you get ready for your first valentine's day date. You thought our lives were perfect. Yours were. I was living through hell. My mom and dad divorced 6 years ago but we never told you. I've been bullied since Kindergarten, just not when you were around. I've had an eating disorder for 4 years and I've been cutting for 3. Everyone that keeps telling me that it will get better is lying to me. It doesn't get better, if it did I wouldn't be dead. I don't want to hurt anymore and this is my only way. Maybe if I had come to you, things really would have been better, I'm sorry that I didn't. I know we've had our lives planned out in our journals for years. Yours went to 85, mine stopped at 16. Today is my 16th birthday and for once, I'm getting what I want. You can check “change someone's life” off your bucket list because you definitely changed mine. You kept me alive for as long as you can. Thank you. I'm sorry.

Forever with love,

Amanda