Making Babies #NewAdult

~Thirty Four~

           And holy goodness did it all come crashing down and if the guilt I was feeling was any indication of maybe how I shouldn't have handled things, then I say I was royally fucked.

          The truth that we all by now knew was that I loved Frederick, I loved him so much that sometimes, just thinking about it was literally so overwhelming that I truly questioned how it was possible to be this in love with someone, to have that much love in your heart for one single person that your heart didn't explode in the process.

          So yeah, I loved him, but I couldn't marry him. I couldn't marry him, not like this, not when something was missing. Something that I would never ever have back.

         I had promised Mrs. Winslet that she would be there the day I have a baby and the day I get marry. I had promised her that, unbeknownst to what the future held. I couldn't possibly change the fact that my baby would be born without knowing her, but at least I could keep one promise to her.

          Mrs. Winslet had basically been like a mother to me ever since I had met her, which had been more than enough for me since I didn't have a family, not anymore, not after what had happened, not after how they had treated me.

          So for the longest time, after I had left my past behind, I had been so alone in the world, but then, along the way, in the process of healing my broken heart, I had met this amazing human being, and all of the sudden, I was loved again, all of the sudden, I wasn't so alone anymore, all thanks to this frail little woman with the beautiful smile and the heart of gold.

          She had made me feel not so alone in this world and for the longest time, it was all I had to pull me out of the shadows that so often threatened my existence. She had shown me that even after all the pain that I had endured, I was still worth someone's love.

          She had been my family. She was and still is my family. The only one I had for many many years, and for that alone, I refused to go through anything this big without her. I just couldn't.

         I loved Frederick, with all that I am, but I didn't think I could marry him, not like this. And if he loved me like he said he did, he would understand why I couldn't possibly go through with this.

         The extremely loud ringing of my phone in the small enclosed elevator startled me out of my thoughts which made me jump a little, realizing then that I had closed my eyes. "Hello?"

          "Where are you?" Without even looking at the Phone I knew that it was Billie.

          I sighed. "Hiding in an elevator. Frederick asked me to marry him and I ran." I explained, laughing at the whole situation not because it was funny, but more so because of how absurd it was.

          "Yeah, I know." She said, her voice didn't sound like she was laughing, neither did it sound like she was upset. "Frederick called me."

          Figured he would.

         "Is it because of Mrs. Winslet?" She asked and I in turn nodded as if she could see me.

           "Yeah." I sighed heavily. Somewhere along the way of my freaking out in the elevator, I had eneded up on the floor, my back to the door.

          "Is it because she promised you that she would be there when that finally happened but then now it's all sinking in and you realize she won't be there and it's freaking you out?"

         God, she knew me so well. "I can't do it, Billie. Not like that. Not ever without her." I replied.

        Billie was quiet for the longesttime, so long in fact that I thought we had been disconnected, but then, as simple as that, she spoke. "Okay."