Making Babies #NewAdult

~Nine~

      "It's okay, calm down, you're okay, everything is Okay. " Miranda Joy spoke softly as to calm me. I appreciated the fact that she knew what to do. I would have thanked her at that very moment if I could. But seeing as I was a little preoccupied by the fact that the air I was trying to inhale wasn't getting to my lungs. she handed me a brown paper bag. "Here, breathe in this, it might help." I grabbed it from her and placed it on my face, covering my nose and mouth. "That's it sweetheart, deep controlled breaths." Her voice was delicate, soothing even as she started to lightly pat my back.

       "I'm dying." I took the bag off my face just long enough to just speak those words. My voice sounding raspy, even to my own ears. The doctor shook her head in response to my comment, her voice still soft and calming, matching her eyes.

        "No, you're not. You're just having a panic attack. Just breathe and you'll be fine, I promise." She placed a hand on my back and I squirmed away a little. It was her faut I was feeling this way.

          She just had to push until this happened.

       "It hasn't happened to me in such a long time that I almost forgot how it felt."

         Doctor Miranda Joy frowned. "You used to have panic attacks a lot more?" She asked. I nodded but still kept the bag on my face to be able to breathe in it because I still felt like any minute now, I was going to pass out right there in front of her.

           "Back when the attack first happened. I used to have them constantly, almost all the time really, if I'm honest here." I spoke into the bag to answer her because I would be damned if I was going to remove the bag from my face, which was basically my life support at that moment.

           I could tell she was trying to make sense of what I was telling her. I wondered if she found this whole situation fascinating to her. A rape victim being used as a surrogate and her client having no idea how really broken she was.

       "Have you gone to see a therapist of some sort since the assault?"

       I closed my eyes.

         she sighed.

       "Jesus, Eva, why the heck would you not go? Especially After what happened to you, I would think someone would have made that recommendation as soon as it was humanly possible."

        I felt my tears falling again, which made the doctor pass me a Kleenex so that I could clean the tears away and off my face.

        " Why didn't you go see a therapist?" She asked again. I waited, breathing deeply until I could safely take the bag away and still be alright enough to answer her. My thoughts were running wild. 

        could I actually tell her instead of keeping to myself like I have always done? What would it change anyway?

          I shook my head. Deciding to answer her so she would leave me alone. "My dad, he wouldn't let me."

           "Why?"

        "He said he didn't want anybody knowing our business and that just the doctor knowing was enough, he didn't want a therapist also involved in our family business." I answered right before the door opened and Frederick casually walked back in. I smiled, trying to hide my current state of being.

        "What do you mean by that?" The doctor asked, completely ignoring  Frederick who was now sitting down, his focus, completely on me.

       "Let's not talk about it anymore." I said under my breath.