R A G E

and it's okay.

I cry a lot these days. 

Sometimes, my eyes just well with tears that threaten to overflow and quietly roll down my cheeks. No one really notices it when I do. I usually just slip off into another room and dab at my face, hoping that no one saw. It's not so much that I would be embarrassed, I just am too tired to explain and I hate it when people are always asking, "why?" I've asked 'why' so much, and I never got an answer. 

But sometimes, I'll be unable to breath. I'll lock myself in the bathroom, and I'll sob. Sometimes it's angry, sometimes it's just empty or depressed. When I finish, I feel swollen and numb. Sometimes I rage for hours, sometimes only for a few minutes. Usually she'll come up to my door and knock. With a timid voice she'll ask if I'm okay. "I'm fine!" I'll snap back. I have to lie to her, because I know she doesn't want to hear the truth and I know that I don't want to tell it. 

It's strange, how you operate in a fog when your sad. I'll wake up and find that I put things back in the wrong places, like when I threw an entire gallon of ice cream into the trash (it melted), or when I put the remote in my car. One time I went to the grocery store and left the groceries in the cart. I forget things a lot these days.

And I cry, too. I'm neither ashamed nor proud to say it. 

I'm just tired of explaining things. Why does everyone need an explanation?

It's okay to cry. It's natural. It happens. Sometimes it's okay to cry a lot, if it makes you feel any better. It doesn't make me feel any better, but it's okay for me to cry.

Just so you know, I guess.