R A G E

a letter to an old friend

To you:

I don't know what's happened to us recently. There's something different between us, and I think we both feel it. Things have changes, are we different people now? Does being different people mean that we can't remain together? I don't even know what to think anymore.

We don't talk as much as we used to. I don't know why that is. Perhaps our schedules are just busier, but we've always had busy lives yet we always made time for each other. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you, perhaps it's just me who's becoming distance. I guess I don't even recognize it myself. 

I thought about whether or not I'd go back in time, to spend time with you again. But no, I don't think I'd go back. I like where I am now. I mean, I don't like how we've separated or grown apart. I don't like rarely talking to you, and I don't like how the few times we do talk: it's meaningless. 

But on one hand, I think I appreciate what's happening. I feel that somehow we're preventing an inevitable apocalypse between us. We won't get as hurt this way, maybe? I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying; I don't know what I'm doing.

You thought I was replacing you with her. Or, you didn't actually say that. But I know you think it, and you said something about me choosing her instead. In a way, I guess I am choosing her. But my physically choosing her is my way of truly choosing you. I can't hurt you if I use her as a shield, as awful as that sounds. I can tell her things, and you won't get upset. She's the whipping boy. 

I feel like a monster for saying that.

You're not alone in feeling replaced. I feel replaced by him, I always have. I'm not really that upset about it. Okay, that's a lie. I am upset about it. But at least I have a peace in knowing that he's a good person, that he'll take care of you like I always have. I don't think he'll hurt you as badly as I can. I can hurt you so badly, do you know that? Just knowing that I can, makes me so afraid. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Am I hurting you now? I think I am. I don't want to. I can't help it. I hurt everyone. But maybe this will hurt less than if I waited and the sky came crashing down.

Do you remember when I told you, "it'll be like this"? When I told you that one day you'll suddenly remember me, and wonder where I went? When I told you that you'll probably forget me, but I'll never truly leave your mind because I'll come to visit every once in a while? I've always believed that was how things will end.

Oh, I don't want anything to end. I really don't. But doesn't everything end? All films, all good books: they all have an ending. Even life has an ending. Endings are facts of life. They're unavoidable. 

I remember when you told me once, and it almost felt like you just blurted it out: that I used to tell you everything. You said it so wistfully, like you wished I still did. Truth is, the more I love you, the more I don't want to hurt you. So the more I'll close up and hold back from you. And I never told you everything, it's always been my nature to keep most things silent. I've always been the type to want to deal with things myself, I hate having to talk about personal things, I don't want to be weak. It's funny, I don't think other people are weak for talking about feelings or opening up--but I hold myself at a different standard. I wonder why that is?

I don't know what else to say. I'm not going to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes, I've said too many. 

And this isn't goodbye. I don't think we'll ever have an abrupt ending. It'll be gentle, like dying in your sleep. We'll slowly fade from each other's lives, I think. 

It's terribly sad, and it breaks my heart. But for you, I don't mind my heart being broken. The only thing is, I can't bear to live if I ever break yours--at least, if I ever break your heart more than I have to.

Just know that no matter what our future holds, I will always love you.

Always.