Ignitable

Ignitable - Chapter Seven

I nod, leaning back in my chair with a loud exhale. "Yes."

Grant thinks for a moment, still leaning forward in his seat. "You've met many women before, Cade...why is this woman different?"

Without hesitating, I give my honest answer. "That's why I am here, because she is different. I met her a couple of weeks ago and I haven't been able to forget about her. It's slowly driving me mad, Grant." My harried reply is marinated in my desperate misery—coated in obvious distress.

Grant sits back, thoughtfully tapping his lips with his index finger. "Does this woman not want to see you? Could that be the reason why you are so upset?"

With my head hanging low, I solemnly tell Grant everything. "As soon as I saw Sophia, I just knew I had to have her. I don't think I have ever wanted a woman more than I wanted her. She looked so lost when I first saw her. I feel as though I was the one who was supposed to find her, if that makes sense?" Grant just nods, not wanting to interrupt my opening up to him by saying anything back in return. So I keep on opening up. "Even though she looked vulnerable, as soon as we started talking, I could see strength within her sweetness. I kept swinging between wanting to protect her and admiring all that she was. The more we chatted, the more I enjoyed being with her. That alone, had me worried. I don't enjoy women. I enjoy screwing women. But I wanted more with Sophia, and that troubled me. Because I felt out of my depth with her, I needed to take back control. She was vulnerable and I wanted her, so I asked her to sleep with me. She was cut up about her boyfriend dumping her and I used his pathetic excuse for doing so, to selfishly get her into my bed. She had told me that her ex had said that she was boring and predictable...and I used that for my own means." Staring down at my clasped hands, I angrily continue. "I didn't just screw Sophia, I made love to her. As I laid beside her afterwards, I felt like she had opened up a world of possibilities for me. I remember taking hold of her hand and thinking 'yeah, I can do this' but when I woke up, she was gone. She had left me and my bed, cold and empty. Running with the wave of new feelings that I had inside of me, I ended up going to see her where she worked. I honestly don't know what I had expected, but I hadn't expected to feel so gutted as I did when I saw the regret in her eyes and the guilt around her shame-stained lips. So yes, I am upset because Sophia doesn't want to see me. I'm upset because if I had done things differently, we might have had a chance."

"A chance for what?" Grant studies me, patiently waiting for my reply.

Rubbing both of my hands together, I become anxious with his question. "I don't know." I give him his answer, then look down at the floor again because I honestly didn't know. I don't do relationships, but is that what I really wanted from Sophia? Dammit! I'm just so confused right now.

"From all that you have told me, Cade. It sounds like you genuinely care for this Sophia?"

My head slowly lifts, wanting to now look at Grant. "I do care."

He smiles back at me, nodding slightly at the same time. "Well, I see this as progress, Cade."

My expression pinches with displeased annoyance. "How is this fucking progress? I am slowly going crazy over here!" My fingers angrily rake themselves through my hair as I rigidly hunch over in my seat, feeling my anger squeezing all the calmness from out of me.

Still, Grant smiles. "You have been coming to me, off and on, for over four years now. In all of that time, you have regularly participated in casual sex because of your Avoidant Attachment Disorder. On account of the unfortunate maternal deprivation from your mother, you have always found it difficult to form relationships with anyone. You avoid getting close, to reduce the possible risk of ever being hurt. The fact that you have been coming to my therapy sessions, tell me that you would like to do something about that. Although you think that you can't, there is a part of you wanting to care about someone, Cade. I have always told you that when you meet the right person, your capacity to care would come out. Sophia, seems to be one such person. So to me, that is progress."