Making Babies #NewAdult

~Thirty Two~

         "Are you ready?" Frederick spoke softly while standing next to me. Which pulled me out of my state and looked over at him.

          He was wearing a black designer suit ensemble that was perfectly fitting of his sculpted body. He had his hands in his pockets while he stood still, just staring ahead. All around us there was a very subtle and soothing song playing through the speakers of the funeral home.

       "You ask as if I would ever possibly be ready." I answered simply before returning to staring at the corpse in the elegant wooden casket that I've chosen specifically myself.

          On the other side of me stood Billie who hadn't left my side for the month that had passed since learning of Mrs. Winslet's death. She was holding on to my arm, her head resting on my shoulder as she cried silently, tightening up her hold on me every so often as to either make sure I was still there or simply reminding me of her presence.

          It had been a month and still I hadn't cried. It had taken a lot from Billie to convince me that maybe it was time to say goodbye to Mrs. Winslet so that she could finally rest in peace. At first, I had not wanted to hear any of it because as long as she wasn't buried, I could still pretend that she was still alive and none of the shit storm that had hit us a mere  had actually happened, and that it had just been a nightmare that I would soon wake up from.

         So, I still hadn't cried. In all honesty, I've refused to cry, even while I stood there staring at her dead body I couldn't bring myself to shed any tears. I just couldn't do it and I think on some level, Billie and Frederick sort of understood my logic even if I hadn't gone out right and said it.

         "Maybe we should find a seat so that you can get off your feet for a little bit." Billie whispered into my ears with her quivering voice. I then looked down at my swollen feet and decided that it might actually not be a bad idea if I sat down for a bit. I smiled softly at her and nodded before turning away from the casket that we decided should not be open.

         I hadn't known how many people would show up until I turned around and was welcome by the sight of a fully packed funeral home. Some faces I had seen before, some I didn't know, all of them there to say their goodbyes.

       Mark Twain once said that "The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." I had known this to be true about Mrs. Winslet because more often then not, and way before the accident ever happened, she had told me on more than one occasion that if the time came for her to leave this earth, that she would go happily knowing that she's had a great life.

        Mrs. Winslet always talked about the fact that she had been able to live through love and loss and happiness and sadness made her think that she's pretty much accomplished a lot on this earth.

          " You see Eva, I've had many blessings in my life and I am truly grateful for them all. I think back on all the not so great times in my life and I'm still grateful that I got to experience them all. You see, many people don't ever get to have this privilege of living on this earth to be well over eighty years old, but I have and I think that is something that I truly cherish. I have been blessed, Eva, and when I finally leave this earth, I want you to remember that I've lived a full life."

          I used to joke that if it were only up to me, she'll live to be well over hundred years old. That way, I could have her with me for much longer.