Finding Me

Chapter 20

"How have I shown that it's time?" I question.

"You've let me into your life. You're talking to me right now, and you've let Nick into your life. Last night, you told your uncle some of your feelings, and I know he listened," she explains.

I shake my head. "Maybe I've let you and Nick in, and maybe I've expressed some of my feelings to my uncle, but I've expressed my feelings to him before."

"Tell me about those times when you told him how you felt," she says.

I pause. "It usually ended up as an argument. I would tell him that I didn't believe him and that he hadn't tried to get to know me in four years, and I didn't get why he suddenly wanted to get to know me."

"How'd the arguments end?" Alli pushes.

"I usually left because I couldn't take it anymore," I reply.

She nods. "That's what I thought. The way I see it, you didn't run last night. You stayed and waited for a response. You even talked to Emma afterwards."

"But I left after I talked to her," I point out.

"That may be true, but you still waited for a response from him. From what I can tell, you've never done that. You've never wanted to hear his opinion, have you?" she explains.

"Okay, maybe I haven't wanted to hear his opinion before, but I don't get how that means I'm ready to forgive him."

She sighs. "Okay, maybe you aren't ready to forgive him, but you're ready to hear his opinion and thoughts. You're ready to try to get to know him."

I stop and realize that she might actually be right. "Are you a shrink?"

She laughs. "I might've picked up a few tips from one. I'm just analytical, and I seem to understand the feelings of people. I'm also good at reading people's body language."

"What do you think I should do?" I ask.

"I already told you; I think you should talk to him."

"Right now?"

She pauses and picks a flower from one of the nearby bushes. "You're the only one who can make that choice. You're the only one who truly knows if you're ready. I can only tell you what it looks like in my perspective."

I don't respond. We just sit in silence. I begin to see how much I've really changed. I've let two people into my life more than I've ever let anyone in before. I didn't run away last night, at least not right away.

The more I think about it all, I see that Alli might be right. Maybe I do want to get to know my uncle. With all the changes I've been going through, maybe it's time for me to take a step in the direction of reconciliation. Not everything can be fixed right away, but it might help if I let it actually start.

"Hello?" a voice asks from behind Alli and me.

I turn and see Nick. "Hi," I say with some hesitation.

He looks nervous. He's running his fingers through his hair, and he's at least five feet away from us. I stand up as Alli greets him, and we walk in his direction. When I approach, he takes a step back. I stop, and Alli stops.

"Would you mind if I talked with Maya for a second?" he asks.

I look over at Alli as she raises an eyebrow. "Sure," she says, "but don't lay it heavy on her. I don't think she can take anymore of that. I've kind of already ambushed her."

He nods slowly, and Alli takes that as a cue to leave. She waves and then disappears inside. I turn my attention back to Nick, and he's staring at me with an unreadable expression. I shift under his gaze, but he doesn't stop staring. I clear my throat as the awkwardness builds. He finally seems to complete his staring session because he blinks and then clears his throat.

"What is it?" I question.

He runs his fingers through his hair again and hesitantly says, "I need to talk to you about last night."

I raise an eyebrow. "What about last night?" I ask, trying to not let him see or hear the nervousness I am beginning to feel.

He sighs. "I don't know if you felt the same thing I did, but I think it isn't such a good idea."

"What?" I ask with surprise.

"I have to be straightforward with you. You're brutally honest, and I need to do the same thing with you right now. Maya, you've been a great friend to me. I hope we'll always be friends, but right now, I think I need to go," he explains with a solemn tone.

I stop and take a deep breath. "What are you saying?"

He runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm going back to New York City as soon as all the festival details are sorted through. I've decided to start promoting my new single and album, and that means I'll be busy for the next few months doing interviews and other appearances."

"What does this have to do with me?"

He stares at me. "You honestly don't know?"

I just shake my head, not trusting my voice. He opens his mouth but then closes it. He stares at me for a few seconds and then turns his head away from me. I wish he would just say what I think he wants to tell me.

"Nick," I say quietly, "what are you trying to tell me?"

He turns his head back in my direction and replies, "I don't really know, so I guess I'm just going to say goodbye. I won't need your help with the festival, so don't worry about that."

I don't dare let my disappointment show, so I just nod. "Okay."

He gives me a look as though I can't be serious. I just stand and stare at him. He finally sighs and waves to me before walking back inside the house and leaving me standing in my spot, wondering what just happened.

I slowly sit back down on the bench. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Why is Nick leaving like this? How could he tell me he's leaving without giving a good reason? Call me crazy, but shouldn't someone have a legitimate reason for leaving all of a sudden?

I thought he would tell me that he liked me. My eyes fly open as I realize my foolishness. Why would I ever think that? Nobody has ever shown interest in me, so why would someone like Nick show interest in me? I shake that thought out of my head and try to come up with other reasons why he's leaving.

Maybe he's tired of small town life, or maybe he's decided that he's too good for people like me. I'd much rather him be a snob to me than act like he did.

I sigh and close my eyes again. All these conversations and questions are making me feel exhausted. I don't know if I can talk to my uncle like Alli suggested.

"Maya?" my uncle's voice asks.

Well, I guess I'm going to be talking with him.