This is How I Disappear

I know it exists

I stared down at the magazine in my hands and read out loud.

“A fresh breath of air to this music world dominated by males. New comer Bella Black filled in for the last few My Chemical Romance shows. Due to Mikey Way’s illness that rendered him incapable to perform. Which then close friend to the band and Gerard Way’s girlfriend was asked to fill in for him. Her performances have knocked the socks off my chem fans. Pouring her heart out to every performance and singing along side Way. Fans have praised her to be a nice, sincere person. The right one for Gerard. And they also said they were adorable together. They sported matching Beatles lyrics every single night that they performed together. And kept close. Ms. Black come out of no where and left a lasting impression on the music world. And hope to see more of her in the future. As for me well comsider me a fan. Ms. Bella Black you are magnificent performer and musician.”

I just kept staring at the photographs of me along side the short paragraph.

I was in a daze.

“I can’t believe this Gee.”

“Its amazing what they said about you babe.”

“This is just so surreal.”

“Well you better believe it lil sis. You are a bonafine rockstar.”

“I just…wow.”

“See everyone thinks you are amazing, just like I do.”

“aww Gee. I am keeping this.”

“Its true. Now what do we do today?”

“I don’t know. It’s your day off. What do you want to do?”

“Sugar slap on a dress I feel like laying in some grass and singing.”

“Okay. Be right back.”

I found the perfect dress.

And got changed.

I went back to Gerard to find him and a sketch book and an art bin in hand.

“Come Bells. I know the perfect spot.”

“Oh okay.”

We walked off the bus and he lead me to this perfect little park and with a tiny pond.

It had water pads and lilies.

We sat again a tree and I layed all the way back and Gerard started to draw.

“This place is beautiful Gee.”

“Yeah it is. And you are too.”

“Thank you.”

I could feel myself blush.

“You know even after months of you and me. You still make me blush. Its like I am not use to this.”

“What do you mean? You were with Bob.”

“Well yeah but it was different. I wasn’t in love with him. I cared about him but the love was never there. Because well I already loved you. It just nice to have the feeling returned you know?”

“Yeah I know what you mean. I had girlfriends before.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“And you loved any of them?”

“No not really.”

“Really?”

“Yeah Bells you are the only exception. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone before. And you just came into my life and just changed that.”

“I can say the same about Gerard. I have never felt anything this strong before. All I have felt from what I can remember is just pain and misery. Having you and everyone else kind of scares me. Because I don’t ever want it to go away.”

“Come here.”

I went to him and sat in front of him. And He wrapped his arms around me.

“I am not going anywhere. And neither are you. I love you and I am not going to stop loving you. No matter what.”

“Promise?.”

“Yes I promise you. I love you Bells.”

“I love you Gerard.”

I sat with him and he drew and I danced around singing. I almost felt like a little kid.

But a very happy kid.

I don’t ever want this feeling to go away.

Being here with him.

Totally and completely in love.

We stayed there almost all day.

“Come on Bells. Lets go back to the guys and see what we are going to eat.”

“Okay but can I have a couple more minutes here? I just want to see this a bit longer.”

“Alright. You know you’re way back to the bus?”

“Yeah I do.”

“Okay. I will see you there.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. See you in a bit.”

I wanted to be alone because I was remembering something.

Something important it seemed like.

Something to do with my dad.

“Mom? Mom are you okay?”

“What makes you think I am okay?!”

“I-I just.”

“You just thought you can come into my room and try to comfort me?!”

“Well ye-“

“Gosh I don’t even want to look at you. You look like that stupid man who did this to me!!”

“Dad made a mistake mom please I know you still love him. Can you forgive him?”

“Love him!? You think I love him after everything! Love is dead! And as far as I am concerned he is dead to me.”

“Mom…”

“Get out! Get out!!! I will never forget this!! Get out!!!”

I sat there remembering.

Staring at the pond as the sun shone on it.

What happened to my parents?

What had my father done that was so horrible?

Was that woman always so mean?

And I looked him?

I got up and wiped away my tears and stared to walk back to the bus.

How can love be dead?

When I know it exists.

I know it does.

I walked around the corner and saw him leaning against the door.

“Hey you. You okay?”

“Yeah Gee. I am I just wanted to clear my head.”

“Alright. Come on lets get inside.”

“Okay hold on.”

“Yeah?”

I went in for a kiss.

and he kissed me back with a smile on his lips.

I know love exists because each time he looks at me, kisses me, holds me, touches me I know in my heart that something this wonderful does exist. And that she is wrong.