Used to || Mark Tuan

》Three《

Do you know what I felt when I woke up this morning? Nothing. No passion, no spark, no faith. Absolutely nothing.

Everything that used to make me to who I am was no more there. To be honest I haven't felt alright for a really long time. I felt nothing, no emotions. I was just empty, like the streets on this rainy day. I'm not happy nor am I sad.

I wanted to cry but no tears came out, so I just stared blankly into space while feeling my heart break into pieces. I can't eat, I can't sleep. When I close my eyes and try to sleep I fall apart, I'm fighting hard to breathe.

◇

I was leaning on his shoulder, sitting on his lap. His fingers ran through my hair, "You look pretty today." Mark gave me a quick peak on my cheek, all I could do was smile back at him.

"You say that everyday" I whispered embracing his upper body.

"It's true though." he grinned down at me knowing how much I loved it to hear that one phrase from him. His hand slowly went up my thighs, I didn't move a bit.

Mark's hands swiftly went under my shirt, I was frozen in the moment his hands touched my bare skin.

"Like you know I can see it guys. Seriously one time would be enough, all I want is you to stop for one time! Please." Jackson nagged from the other side of the sofa.

"No one is holding you here, Jackson. The door is right over there, leave when ever you like." Mark said still relaxed.

Jackson rolled his eyes and stood up, "I'll go get some pizza for all of us, will be back in a few. Please do whatever you want to do while I'm gone and be finished when I'm back."

The front door was closed again and with that Mark picked me up, carrying me towards his bedroom, "You heard Jackson." He threw me on his bed and quickly undressed himself. "You know how he gets when he is mad." Mark said delightful while helping me to get off my clothes faster.

◇

Every time my phone vibrates I hope it's him, but it never is. I tried to call him one time, I know it was a huge mistake, he didn't pick up. If he would have called me I wouldn't pick up either, even though I'd love to hear is voice again.

I don't know what came over me that I pressed the call button, maybe I was just desperate. I don't even know what I would've said if he would have picked up. I don't know anything but to love him and it makes me feel stupid.

I threw my phone away, all I did was stare at it day and night. Waiting for something to happen, but I never got any messages not even a "Hello" from my friends.

No one missed me, no one cared about me, no one loved me. No one loves me. Just like my phone I threw myself on my bed again, hiding under my sheets. It was cold in my apartment and that's why I had a hoddie on, Mark's hoddie, the one he gave me to wear when I miss him.

It still smelled like him but I could also just imagine that because I want it to be like that. Like I imagined that our relationship will be forever.

I jumped up off my bed, toke his hoddie off and got into the shower. It was the fourth time today that I toke a shower but I still felt dirty. I didn't shower to be clean anymore, I showered because I liked the warm water running down my back. It felt like all my problems are being washed off, the weight being lifted off my shoulders.

But on the other hand it was maybe just because it wasn't silent anymore in my small apartment. I couldn't hear my clock ticking, I couldn't hear my own thoughts in my head who told me bad things, everything was drowned under the sound of the water flowing. And I wanted to drown to.