Used to || Mark Tuan

》Two《

I hate it when you love a record but listened to it a lot during a bad time in your life so it reminds you of those bad times.

Sometimes when I miss him I put those records on, just to remember that everything wasn't that perfect like I wanted it to be.

You don't know how blind a person can get when they are in love. When you fall in love with someone everything about them tends to be beautiful.

I dreamed a happy dream and I realized, that happy dream makes me feel even more miserable when I wake up. I shouldn't have dreamed a happy dream in the first place.

Now he is just somebody that I used to know. Well he said that we should still be friends, like it never happened and that we were nothing.

◇

I had a headache, with every word he said it got worse. His voice still echoed in my head, "I think we should break up."

It took me some time to process that one sentence, "Why? Am I not good enough anymore? Is it the way I look? The way I talk? Or just the way I am?" My voice was trembling.

Mark looked at me with a worried expression on his face, like I was a porcelain doll. "You're not too fat. You're not too loud. You're not too smart. You're not unladylike. There is nothing wrong with you. I just... I just want to be just friends with you again, like before." Mark said.

"It's not because of you, it's me. I changed." He said.

The usual break up phrase, it wasn't the first time that I heard it. Everyone get's tired of me at some point, they all do. He stared at me waiting for my answer, but I wasn't able to talk. Even if I wanted to scream at him and throw everything in this room upside down, I just stood there staring back.

"Don't be like this. We both knew that the end of this relationship was near." Mark reached out for my hand, the moment his warm hand touched my cold hand, my tears started to fall. Just like a fell for him, slowly, than all at once.

I tried to stop it but I just couldn't control myself I felt like my heart was ripped out, stepped on and put back in. Mark stood there for a while, watching me cry. I could feel his gaze, but I didn't have the guts to face him now. I didn't want his compassion, it was a uncomfortable situation for both of us.

"If you would listen to me for a sec-" Mark tried to defend himself but I didn't let him, "Just shut up and leave already!" I cried. Mark nodded, then eventually he left, like they all did.

◇

The truth is, most of us discover where we are going when we arrive.
Mark and I aren't friends, nor enemies, just some stranger with memories.

It keeps me up all night, my tiny room is so wide these days for me to lie alone in. I barely go out and if I do it's just to buy food. My friends haven't seen me quite a long time, but I don't think that they realized it.

Time flies when you are busy and I wasn't. Lying in bed, I watched the clock make it rounds and it seemed more interesting than my life. The reason why we broke up was because he changed, well the broke up changed me.

All I wanted was someone who will stay, no matter how hard it is to be with me. Sometimes it's better to be alone 'cause no one can hurt you.

"You can smile as long as we are together" I whispered to myself. That's what Mark used to say to me, when I covered my mouth while laughing.

My chest got heavy, tears falling again. But somehow I also started laughing. My body hurt, my feelings were hurt, everything hurt.

In the end I'm still laughing, I'm still crying. And it feels like I'm dying. But hey, I'm smiling. So I'm okay, right?
I buried my face in my pillow, I wasn't okay at all.