Shucked Up || Newtmas AU

29☂ free

-a/n- LIL WARNING FOR MY LOVELIES. THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS STRONG AND GRAPHIC CONTENT ON SUICIDE. IT IS VERY TRIGGERING. AS AN EASILY TRIGGERED PERSON MYSELF, I RECOMMEND ONLY READING THIS CHAPTER WHEN YOU FEEL SAFE AND STABLE. STAY SAFE BBYS ♥︎

If you love me, let me go
_________
Newt
_________

A burning sensation in my eyes is felt as I open them to the bright sunlight flooding in from the window.

The first ache I feel is the throbbing pain in my head.
It's no question that's it's from all the drugs and alcohol last night.

I flinch when I'm surprised by the sound of Tommy snuffling in his sleep next to me.
His pale skin still looks smooth and flawless in the sunlight, his dark hair is all messy and contrasts with the white pillow case.

I watch, almost mesmerised, his chest rising and falling with each breathe.  The surreal moment seems so peaceful, so perfect.

If someone took a snapshot of us now, they wouldn't assume anything. They wouldn't know one of us was a schizophrenic. They wouldn't know one of us was a user. They'd just see two humans, in a relationship.
How normal.

Yet it's not normal, it's never been normal.
Not between us.

This perfect moment is clouded by a dark mist, the remembrance of what my plan was for the day.
Today's the day.

And this time I'm not going to shuck it up.

Tears sting my eyes, yet I fight them back while climbing silently out of the bed.
I kiss Tommy softly on the forehead, him still being soundly asleep, and then just walk out the room.
I can't bear myself to look back.

Once I make it into the bathroom, I lock the door behind me. Yet before I do, I stick a pre-written note to the door, for Tommy.
I move a washing basket also behind the door, barricading myself in.
With everyone else, out.

(-a/n- graphic scenes coming up, stay safe bbys- i cannot empathise enough how this can be triggering)

I slowly take out a razor blade from the bathroom cabinet, I don't use it much. As I've been saving it for this.
Placing it on the side, i change into my favourite black suit. It's the one my parents bought me for my funeral when I first tried to kill myself, you can tell they weren't hopeful or too bothered about my survival.

Wincing, I turn on the taps, letting the sound of the cold water roaring fill the room. The last thing I want to do is wake up Tommy.

After a few anxious minutes, the bath is completely full.
Surprised at my almost numb like reaction to the freezing cold water surround my skin, I climb carefully into the bath.

I'm fascinated by the crystal clear water, my black suit, sticking to me, against the white bath.

I've rehearsed this so many times, it doesn't seem real as I reach out for the razor. The blade scratches against my palm in my hand.

My hands shake, trying to pull down my left sleeve.
Final questions run through my mind.

Do I want this?
Why am I doing this?
What about Tommy?

The last question is the only one I can't bring myself to answer.

Tears are now streaming down my cheeks, running my hand through my hair.

Tommy loves me.
I love him.

I made a mistake, falling for him. I thought I was unbreakable, untouchable. I was wrong.
Nobody can get to me, except him.
I shouldn't of spoke to him that first day at the Glade.
I've made a connection that I'm about to tear apart.