The Ugly Side of Beauty

Chapter Eight: Drown

They were splendid. Truly, I could vouch that they could probably film a 'Bring It On' movie. Georgina and the seniors were in the cheer squad as well and Jolene and I were particularly watching for Chocolate and Cindy. I had actually hoped that maybe the guys were in their house cheers, but then they weren't exactly cheerleader types.

When I went home to my aunt's house after sport's day, sweating from head to toe,—they didn't have showers in their schools—my aunt looked freaked and more or less man-handled me into the bath tub. As I lay there soaking in the warm water, enjoying the aromatherapic smell of lavender soap, I tried to think about the changes in me.

As a person, I had mellowed and gotten gentle and almost fragile. My dark, blue-black hair floated around me and I saw that it had gotten a bit too long. However, I was unwilling to cut it because I had grown attached to the ugly, messy hairstyle that I adopted to go to school each day. I breathed in deeply and tried to think of any positive change in me.

I wasn't a mean person anymore; that much was obvious. In fact, my 'friends' in the past wouldn't have recognized me from my behaviour even if it slapped them in the face. I recalled Chocolate's crushed expression. Why did I never think of another person's feelings before? Was I still self-centred now?

As far as I could remember, I didn't think of anyone else's well-being. Perhaps it was time to start. I sunk in the tub until I was completely submerged underwater. It felt nice. The water was gentle and it soothed my ruined soul. Perhaps I should just stay here forever amongst the water, always at peace. It was a feeling that I had never felt in New York, and I couldn't help but be addicted to it.

After a few more moments, my lungs started craving air which ruined the moment of peacefulness. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by the urge to stay underwater, to see how long it would take before I drowned. I closed my eyes and just focused hard on the feeling of the soothing water on my skin, ignoring my burning lungs.

Abruptly, my head broke through the water and I was gasping in air, water was spilling out of my eyes and nose and mouth; it was everywhere. My ears were roaring with confusion. I registered that someone was holding my upper arms, but that was all I could catch before the strength left my body and the world went black.

The first thought I had when I woke up was: So that was how it felt to almost-drown. The second thought that followed that was: I was trying to drown myself? My eyes felt raw and dry and when I tried to sit up, it felt like the wind was knocked out of me and I fell back onto the bed. Did it really take so little for someone to drown?

I heard my aunt's voice on the other side of my closed door, and it sounded like she was arguing with somebody over the phone. Controlled purely by curiosity, I somehow managed to crawl to the door and placed my ear against it.

"I do understand how you feel, but have you even tried to understand how Lorelei might feel?" she sounded really pissed and scary. She was my mother's older sister, after all. "Yes, I did tell you that she was on the mend." She paused again. "She needs her mother!" she burst out furiously. "I don't care, Diana! Don't you understand, she tried to drown herself yesterday!" she paused again, taking deep breaths to calm herself down. She was speaking to my mother.

When she next spoke, she sounded calmer than before. "I know that. I'm the one who is seeing all this progress that she's making. Do you know, sometimes I even hear excitement in her voice when she speaks of her new friends in school?" she paused again. I did? I smiled softly. Of course I would.

"Yes, it is, but maybe we don't really understand what she's been through." Now she seemed to be reasoning with my mother. There was a very long pause and I wondered if they had hung up. I was about to get back to bed when my aunt's voice stopped me.