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Chapter 12 - hiraeth

Why is she hanging out with that blonde douchebag? Blonde douchebag, huh, I was one to talk.

Ray was it? Shouldn't be problem, nerdy bitch.

I was one of them.

Fuck.

-

There's a reason I sit at the back of history class. 

My lips always twitch when she sticks her tongue out slightly every time she understands something.

Or how she nods ever so slightly every time that damned teacher ever says anything. 

Her smile was one of the cutest smiles I'd ever seen. 

A smirk would always creep onto my lips when those adorable cheeks of hers blushes when she accidentally curses even though no one heard when she drops a pencil, or makes a mistake. 

My innocent Tay-Belle. 

Fuck that. 

She isn't mine anymore. 

I'm not good enough for her. 

She probably waited for me to say the word.

Years of hanging out, you'd think one of us would just speak the unspoken.

Signal after signal. 

Cold one day, hot another. 

Like a horse going through a jungle just to realise it's been climbing up and down the same hill over and over again, not really going anywhere. Forever living through the uncertainty and pain of never going there.

She deserves better than an inconsistent and inconsiderate prick like me.

--

--

--

"Do you know how much you've hurt her?" Blake's words echoes through my ears. 

Of course I do. 

--

It hurt to see her. Every fucking day seeing her makes my heart die every little time. 

A glimpse of her hair, or even the tip of her nose.

There were many points in time where I honestly thought I was going insane. 

Was that her? At the food court getting a slice of pizza and a can of coke? Since when did she get that new pink backpack? She turned around. Wasn't her. 

I'm watching TV and there she was in the background of a news broadcasting interview. She was on her phone outside the bank. The news was about a robbery. Fuck. Was she hurt? Wasn't her. 

It's funny how the human mind works.

I grasp at every strand of hope that everyone I see is her. 

Then, when I go to school, the place where it really was her.

I run away.

Coward eh?

Silent treatment? Avoid treatment? Whatever the fuck. 

We were both good at it. Extremely good at it.