postcards and Polaroids

I breathe you in like smoke

                                                                             vic's Pov

         I lay in bed and kellin gets in next to me he kisses my temple and closes his eyes. I don't mean to be creepy but i lay there staring at him watching him drift off to sleep. Hes so cute. his perfect hair messy and scattered across his face. i slowly move the hair from his beautiful flawless face. he has these lips that i could kiss all day, so soft and just the right shade of pink. His eyes, i love to see his eyes its such a mixture of colors. Green,Grey,and blue. I cant help but get lost in them.

       "you gonna stare at me all day or what?" Kellin mumbles not opening his eyes and not moving a muscle. "w-what? h-how did you even know i was looking at you your eyes were closed this whole time." I stuttered embarrassment all over my face. "your eyes are burning a hole into me that's how i know." he stated. i snapped my gaze away from him blushing wildly. "oh sorry." i said looking down."Its okay its kinda hot when you stare at me babe." he said opening his eyes and smiling. something was off. Yes something was off. I looked into his eyes and found what seemed to be hurt,pain and agony. But from what? But i thought i made him happy. He shoots me a confused look.  

 "whats wrong?" he asked.  "nothing." i lied placing a kiss on his lips. 

somethings bothering him and im gonna get to the bottom of it.

                                                                  Kellin's POV  

Well that was awkward. Vic seems like hes on to me. Which is bad. if he finds out my secret he'll tell for sure. Slowly so he can't tell i tug on my sleeve to make sure its all the way down. The truth is I love victor. He is the only one I love. I thought that this love would drive away my other feelings. The bad ones. The feelings of sadness, loneliness and drive away my thoughts to hurt myself....and to out right kill myself but i can't help it. even when hes around i feel sad. sure he lightens the load but nothing could take theses feelings away from me. and i thought victor would be the exception.

    Only when im around him do i feel like im happy and don't need to cause myself any harm but the second that im away from him suicidal tendencies flow into my brain. ive tried to kill myself about 29 times and i failed about 29 times. And it's the reminder that i will never be able to do anything, Then i feel selfish, like im using Vic to feel happy.I honestly do love him. I am afraid of what he will do when he finds out my secret. He will be disgusted to see the scars that litter my arms. He will think me selfish. He will beat me like everyone else did. And then i will really be left with no one. I would be left alone to do with what i assume was my purpose of being born in the first place. to kill myself.