Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 24

So I'm going to go through grammar/wording line by line to help point out areas that need revision there. It'll take a few comments to do that.

"Most of the paintings ended up unfit to be seen, the damp cellar doing the honors (toward) that. All runny and crusty... (space) At times (comma) when the was particularly stormy, the drains leading to the cellar would clog up, creating a colorful mud bath (delete in the cellar. We already know it's the topic of discussion.) with all the streaked canvases just floating around. (just one period here. The ellipses don't add anything to the flow at this point.)"

"...your father, my brother," here her face scrunched up in disgust (period) "Would give you a free hand to participate in such abnormal, scandalous activities (comma) and then to top it all off, let you go prancing all about with a chaperone on a ship!"

"(Sighing) deeply, I looked at my Aunt in resignation."

"Oh (comma) of course, she is (I recommend changing this to she's. It flows better.) embarrassed (by not of) me."

"That's why she informed her friends not to come to dinner today (Comma) seeing as her "immoral" niece took the time to grace her with her presence. (Delete or.) Maybe I shouldn't have bothered."

"It was your mother's fault (semi-colon, not comma.) that's what I say (period)" she nodded fiercely.

"How dare she insult my mother so pettily (question mark not period)"

"They say none but the dead don't have souls Aunt. That changed today."

This is incredibly awkward and difficult to read. I had to read it two or three times to understand. It really should be re-worded. Here's a suggestion for doing that:

"They say that only the dead lack souls, Aunt. That changed today."

"...slamming the door behind me. (Unhooking) my umbrella from the stand (comma) I rushed out into the buffeting wind."

This was my slight alteration to make this sentence fragment a sentence. As is, it's a little bit difficult to follow.

"I glared, stabbing the ground with the umbrella handle, invoking a few looks from passer-bys, (whom) I promptly glared at as well."

"... I ran across the cobble ways (toward) the black, iron-wrought gates of my home."

"Worse (comma)" I muttered, kicking a part of the gate (that) had rusted over.

He fisted his hands and breathed in deeply. "One day, I do hope Estella will come to see the error of her ways." He avoided eye contact as he focused in the far distance.

Here, I got confused. Is her father still talking when the line "I feel sorry for the day..." is spoken? Or is it your MC saying it? Whichever one it is, it needs to be put with their dialogue or action tag. So if it's the father, put it right after the sentence about avoiding eye contact. If it's his daughter's, put it with the sentence "I chuckled bitterly".

"Twenty-Sixth of March. Thursday (comma)" I stated bluntly, just wanting to treasure being alone for a while.

I'll stop and explain this since you've done it a few times now. Whenever you use a dialogue tag such as she stated, he spoke, they whispered, etc., you need to use a comma instead of a period. You've done fine with knowing what to capitalize and what not to so far, but the comma usage needs to be correct as well.

"I do hope you enjoy it!" He smiled wanly.

Capitalize here because you're using an action tag not a dialogue tag. With those, you punctuate with period, exclamation marks, and question marks at the ends of the dialogue because it's treated like the two are separate sentences. This means capitalization rules are normal as well.