Fix me

20 hospital

at one in the morning my phone rings.

"hello" i say trying to open my eyes.

"bea. it's william!...." he can't continue because i stop him.

"william where the hell are you. i've tried calling but..." he cuts me short.

"listen! i'm in the emergency room. chris just overdosed and i'm so afraid!" he is crying and i am more than awake.

His words cut deep like a knife. They take everything out of me.

"i'll be there will." i sound fine but i am panicking.

i run downstairs wearing fluffy slippers and go to the kitchen where the keys are. i grab a mercedes keys and run as fast as i can outside as if my speed were to fix anything. i get on and the stupid keys won't get into the fucking hole! My heart races and my hands shake so i take one whole second to compise myself.

i speed out of the driveway and through the empty streets. i reach the hospital's emergency wing and throw in the worst parking i've ever done. but at this point i don't give a single shit.

when i get inside will is sitting on the black couch that they have in the waiting room. he stands up quickly and his tears are dry on his face.

"he just went in they don't tell me anything! i need to fucking know but these arseholes...." i stop him from yelling.

"hey it's going to be ok' he's going to be allright" i try to calm him down so i don't freak out. we sit on the couch and i ask "what were you doing and where were you?"

"we were in london in a club and he got some powder and said to do it so i did. he did too much and we were driving back and he started shaking and feeling cold and nauseated. when he passed out i brought him here. i don't know what to do he took a lot in, and he was drinking too...." he looks down at the floor his hands red from all the playing of his nails on his skin. i ran my hands through my hair not knowing what to do. i let out a sigh while i let my thoughts and axiety eat me for the next three hours. thinking of the worst. and seeing that i can't lose him. just not him too. the doctor comes outside.

"chris owen's family" we run over to him and he starts talking. "we just pumped out most of the drug. we have identified it to be illegal so he's going to be in trouble."

"listen, it's this easy" William takes a blank paycheck out of his jacket. he takes the pen from the doctor and asks "how much?"

"i'm sorry young man but..."

"if you don't take it from me, you WILL take it from my dad, i'm not bluffing" he said seriously. "i'm going to say one thousand and you change the name of the drug in the papers" he writes the number, spells it out and signs the check. he gives it to the doctor and i don't know if he took it out of need or fear.

"what drug was it?" will asks interested in what he, himself had also taken.

"heroin" the doctor answers. shit Chris!

"what do you mean most of the drug?" i ask.

"he only has small traces of it in his system he might experience some effects from it but it'll blow over in a couple of hours." he says calmly. "we also gave him Naloxone"

"can we see him?" i say more than ask as i start walking he says after me,

"follow me" he opens the door that leads to the patients rooms. My breath returns for the firts time in the night. But it stops just as fast.

the first thing i see are the nurses dressed in blue running through the hallway. the doctor that was with us started running too. they went to one of the rooms and before my eyes i find four nurses putting Chris over a stretcher. his heart beat just dropped.

"he's going into cardiac arrest!" the doctor yelled over the noises that overwhelmed me.  i take his hands but the nurse pull him away from me. i can't let him go. please don't go! No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
I shake my head again and again.

i am forced to stay behind and i crash against the wall and slide down to the floor with my hands on my mouth. i can't believe this. i can't lose him! and the shock is more than terrifying.

William was as desperate as i was. he hugged me and i let a loud cry out of my mouth. i stay in total shock sitting on the chair inside his room motionless. i don't know how much time it passes before i start going crazy. i start having weird day dreams. and he's dead. i..... i just.. can't. think about this.

the one person i actually cared about. the only one that cared about me. and i pushed him away. i repelled him but there are pieces of me that't can't let go of it. i need him too bad. his smile. his kisses. his hands. his words. his voice. his mind... Him.

i stand up suddenly and william looks at me like i'm crazy. at this point i wouldn't doubt it. i stand on the frame of the door and start walking in the direction that the nurses went. i go though a hallway with a desk and people working.

i tuck my hair behind my ears. "excuse me, i need to know what's happening with chris owen" the lady looks at me like i just asked her for a ride to the airport.

"we can't share that information" she says calmly.

"no, you don't understand, i NEED to know what's happening, they've been in there for far too long!" i rush my words.

"i'm sorry"

"Somebody. Needs. To fucking tell me what's going on!" i yell at her. i slide my hand over the desk and throw papers and flowers on the floor breaking in pieces the vase. they'll probably hospitalize me.

"i'm sorry but you will have to wait!" She stands up from her chair

"i... I can't...." i breathed realizing what i had just done.  i ran my hand over my hair. i'm desperate. i love him. nurses come from the door and hold my shoulders so that i don't start panicking. But i still do, i still try to shake them off. I can't. they take me back to his room. cold dark place. empty.