Fix me

3- new times

I woke back up when i heard i loud bang outside my window. I stood up from the cloud soft floor and stood up to go to my balcony. It should be somewhere around 6:00 pm, best time of the day.

The loud bang wasn't a bang at all. When I looked outside there was absolutely nothing but the cold air. I decided to go downstairs and finally say hi to my mother.

I changed into my huge shirt that i use to sleep and headed to the living room. I stopped every three seconds watching closely all the family pictures. A family I didn't belong to. Alan is my stepfather, he's got some youth to his face that doesn't match his age. Handsome, even.

I lived with my brother for a long while. I forgot what English territory felt like. I actually ran away from home because my parents split and then my dad simply disappeared. I had nothing else to do here. I got really upset and the night that he left he told me horrible things. He said that i was the reason they split up in the first place so I should keep my mouth shut. He said that maybe if I hadn't been in all the trouble i was none of this would have happened. What kind of person tells that his daughter? But he and i had never been in good bases even though I always loved him. He said I didn't matter. I never would. I got myself in problems and i dragged people along with me. I guess it was true. He said I wasn't beautiful.

I got depressed. I was slicing my own skin that usually was more of a punishment than a relief. the cuts weren't deep. hell, they didn't even bleed. they would just get really red and puffy. it's still harm. the depth doesn't dictate its relevance. i was purging and restricting and getting high. I went to treatment but thanks to my parent's divorce things just got worse.

You know you have a problem when you're in the bathroom kneeling beside the toilet and what you think of is your father and how he thinks you're not pretty.

In the US i was actually caught by the police after my parents reported me missing and got sent to rehab again. I got released 7 months after and i moved in with my brother. i really didn't want to come back home.

After that i did wonder where he was, if he had found a new family. I wanted to say sorry, to apologize for being such a burden. But he never came back. My mom didn't know where he was and i had no way of finding him. I gave up after a while. i don't think i blame him. i was depressed way before everything happened. and there is nothing more sad than having it all and still feel like shit.

The hallways are intact and the memories of little girls running through these carpets crossed my mind for a second just as i remembered how innocent they used to be. I have put them through so much to simply help them find which one is real. 'Oh dear, you are too young to be this hurt' i reminded myself.

I remembered the bad nights, the things that made me run away. The tears and cuts and drinks and smokes. I remembered how hard it was to pull myself out of such loneliness. My father, my hero had vanished and my mother, well she tried to help. but no one other than myself could and that takes a lot of shit to understand.

I found my way to the living room and then to the dinning room where the family was gathered. A bit too big for my taste.

"Hey Liz" i called her a bit too coldly. I hadn't said her name in almost 4 years. It tasted like metal as it left my mouth.

"Oh honey you're home!" To deny all of my own judgement, her tone had a certain warmth to it. It felt welcoming, genuine. I missed that tone on her lips.

She stood up from her chair on the table and hurried to hug me close to her. Her harsh hands hurt me a little. Her rough voice touched my ears. "i missed you so much!" She said, and I believed her.