Fix me

21.out 21. I need you

after a moment the nurses gave me alcohol in cotton balls for me to smell. supposedly that helps you calm down. but it doesn't do much. and will sits motionless as if praying for some miracle. i know for a fact that 95% of cardiac arrest don't..... i can't. i start crying again. it's as if a chain pulled my muscles out of me and tried to hold them back with everything i have but i know i can't. i know i won't win.

by the time the doctor comes i've already lost the one tiny bit of hope i had and my eyes were red and tired. "he survived" he says less exited than he should have. a little glitch in my eyes made me know that i was still breathing and this is happening.

the nurses bring him back and put him back in his place. his hands are so pale. i can't recognize him.

i take his hand and he's pale white. will stands by the wall not knowing what to do now. it's about 6 in the morning.

His eyelids are red, his skin looks wrinkled. The light from the morning comming in and my head pounding like crazy.

"He's in a coma, we don't know when he'll wake up, shouldn't be more than a week"

I'm not surprised anymore.

"Go home, I'll stay here" i say over to william without looking at him.

"We'll take turns"

"No, I'll stay until he wakes up"

"I have to go tell dad and get some shit together"  he runs his hand over his mouth.

"Yeah" i respond not looking away from him. Him. I can't lose him.

He has tubes out of his mouth and morphine sings tones out of tune. I checked his vitals every three seconds every day for three days untill i gave it up. It felt as if a rock had been dropped on top of my lungs.

His hands are freezing his beautiful fave is pale. I barely got any sleep in the right times. I would stay awke for two days and sleep for one whole day. Mom came over and brought me food and stayed time with me every now and then so I didn't feel alone. William was here most of the time during the night but went to school during the day.

I stayed on that hospital bed for exactly one week when william says,

"Dad's outside" william whispers. I hold Chris's hand hard.

"Tell him he can't come in" i say almost crying.

"He's going to do it anyway" i feel him look down. Then I'll tell him myself.

I stand up with more energy that i ever had to hold Chris's hand. I see mr. Owen come in the hallway with his suit perfectly made and i want to punch his face but that is frowned upon in today's society.

"Get out!" I whisper. Pointing out the hallway. "Get the fuck out!" I yell now seeing he's making no attempt at retreating.

"He's my son, I don't care what number you bitch are but he's my son, get out of my way" he says matter of factly.

"You didn't seem to care at all before I don't know what you were expecting. You're not his father. Don't dare call yourself his father! He's been here for a goddamn week and you thought you'd just show up"

"I don't have time for this" he adjusts his suit and steps back slowly. Of course he doesn't!

"why don't you go home and get him some clothes for when he wakes up?" i tell will. I hold on to the promise of the doctors that he would wake up. 

"yeah. ok" he says with no energy left in his body. he leaves and i am left in the silent room with him. i cry, a lot. i keep thinking it was my fault. even though i'm not that important. but to him i am. i have to get over the fact that he actually cares about me. i couldn't bear it if he died. i know how much i need him. and i'm so sorry. after calming down a bit from knowing that he'd be fine. i actually fell asleep on the chair with my feet up on the chair and my hand still tightly holding on to his.

I wake up to the movement of my hand. i look at the clock on the wall for some reason. he just woke up apparently. "oh my god!" i stand up quickly and put my hands on his face. "oh my god!" i repeat and i kiss his tired lips.

"hey easy darling."

"you have any idea what you put me through?" i don't want him to feel guilty though. He seems confused for a while. He takes his time waking up.

"seemed like a good idea at the time. i'm sorry" he kisses me. "were you worried?"

"how is that even a question?!" this time i do yell.

"i'm sorry"

"no, you're not forgiven!"

"why not?"

"because i almost died this last week". then i realize what i just said.

"you can't be serious" he laughs.

"i'm sorry, i don't know what i'm saying anymore..... i thought you died Chris. it wasn't funny"

in that moment will steps through the door with a gym bag.

"my boy made it!" he comes running and giving his brother a high five.

"like hell i did!" he applauds himself.

"you don't dare do that again" Will warns him.

"not alone"

"shut up!' i yell at him and he keeps laughing.they come for him and evaluate him, because the mental institution has to test him to make sure he isn't attempting against his own life. He spends one more day in the hospital while i go home knowing that he's safe and actually have one ok day. The next morning he feels fine enough to stand up and leave so he puts on his own clothes and we go to the main desk. they need an adult signature to leave so will signs since he's like one month older than his brother making him already 18.