Hope and Hardships

Chapter Thirteen: I'm Okay During the Holidays

This chapter is a bit sad and depressing. Sorry in advance. It wasn't supposed to be when I started writing it but it ended up turning out that way. Also picture is of a new cover I made for the book. Should I change it or leave it the way it is? Well anyways here is chapter thirteen..

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November 9th  

(Daniel)  

In the middle of the night I still can't fall asleep without the memories of last summer resurfacing the moment I try to shut my eyes. Sometimes it doesn't happen in the middle of the night in a dream. Sometimes it happens during the day out of nowhere in a flood of emotions hitting me from every direction.  

I can't think. I can't hold a conversation. I can't focus. I can't concentrate on anything but the darkness of the bedroom.  

Nighttime again, the sun is nowhere outside, no light as I stumble into the bedroom. Disoriented and confused about my surroundings around me. I don't know where I am but I do. It feels different being in his room late at night in the dark.  

Music continues to play, blocking out the other people and all life just outside the bedroom. I almost feel like I'm somewhere else and then suddenly I find myself laying on my back in and out of seeing clearly.  

He walks closer to me. He starts doing things to me I wish he would stop. I don't want it.  I didn't want that night. I tried to yell. I tried to push him off of me but my body wasn't working. I was stuck and forced to watch helplessly.  

I pretended it was a nightmare. I pretended I was somewhere else. It was easy to pretend after he put something in my drink. I didn't have a problem shutting my eyes and time fast forward ahead. But it wasn't enough.  

I can remember too much of what he did and then had someone else I considered a friend do too. Most of what I remember is scattered fragments in blurs. I tried to block it out from my life. I think I blocked out a lot than I originally thought because some days certain things they did come to me.  

Something triggers my mind to remember. Somewhere inside me of what I blocked out turns out to be worse than I want to know.  

I don't want to think about it. I don't want to relive it through a tainted memory I can't erase scarred forever in me. I don't want it to control my every day life for as long as I live. Except despite how much time and months I've spent talking to Juli about it, talking about losing the baby that came from what they did to me doesn't make it go away. It's not going to. It can't be that easy.  

I keep looking for something to get rid of the emotional and mental damage I was left in. I'm damaged because of it. They left doubt in me I never used to have and I don't think will ever go away. I have the constant negative words I was called shouting in my head I wish would shut up.  

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of going back to that night because of something so little to come up during the day to trigger everything. A whole good day I thought I had disappears and doesn't look like it will get better.  

I always end up back in a dark place in my head I hate. I can see the look of satisfaction in their eyes as they grinned on top of me and I couldn't escape. That night Seth and Peter turned from two people I thought were good friends into monsters no one wanted to believe they were.  

I trusted them! I thought they were my friends! I never thought they would hurt me the way they did! And for what reason?  

Why? Why did they do it? Why did they hurt me? Why did they make me think I could trust them? Why did they have to ruin everything? Why did they have to ruin me? Why did they have to change my life? What did they gain the night they raped me? Are they happy the way they left me? Does it make them happy to know they broke me down and left me with no family?