Hope and Hardships

Chapter Ten: Moving Forward or Back?

October

(Daniel)

Moving forward in life is easier said than done. I understood it would be. I had to want to talk through the bad and painful memories I have but I didn't imagine the past would hurt as much as it does just by talking about it. Or that I still wouldn't be at a point in my life where I can say I'm okay and actually be okay.

I mean I am okay, most of the times, most days I try to believe I am. But the problem is that small percentage I'm not. The time of hour I crumble into nothing haunted by the past affecting me to the point I don't see the point. I don't see how life is going to get better or how I can even say I made progress. Those few hours in the middle of the night I break down every now and then forcing everything to come rushing back to me. Almost out of no where on occasions I believed I was fine. All of a sudden I'm desinagrated into nothing when earlier in the day I was smiling and laughing with Deven.

Deven I can honestly say is the very person to give me hope on my worse days and nights I need someone the most. He's my one true friend I have in life who has been there for me from the beginning. He was there on the days I pushed him away when I felt I didn't need anyone in my life. Which looking back did nothing good for me because the moment I let him in is around the time I realized I was being stubborn instead of confronting my fears. He continues to be there for me more than any friend I had in the past including my own parents, I haven't heard or seen in a year.

Deven is everything for me I wanted to deny myself from having. He is the opposite of me, a complete 360 and I think I love him. I can't say the words to him but he's someone I don't want to see leave my side and it makes me scared.

His parents took me in as their foster child not to have their son fall in love with me. I can't help but worry what if they find out and choose to force me to leave. What would I do then? Where would I go? Would I ever see Deven again? I know those might be unnessary fears I have but they terrify me to consider taking place. I'm hiding our relationship because of them. Or is it because I'm still scared to let people see the true me I hid away for years pretending I was someone I wasn't?

Whatever the real reason I'm going to have to face it eventually but for now we'll continue to be together behind closed doors like we have been since it began when I was...I can't. I can't mention her, can't think of her right now because if I do I will break down. But I can't keep shoving every thought I have of her to come to mind pushed back.

The day I found out she existed inside me because of a night I'll never forget, I wanted her gone. I didn't want her, she wasn't suppose to happen. I wanted to forget the summer not be reminded. I used to tell myself she wasn't real because it hurt so much to know she was. I wanted to forget and move on from the messed up life I was dealt. I told myself over and over if I just forget all of it I can move on. I wanted it over until the day I realized how special and important she was to me. I had no idea though how much more painful I'd feel. I thought..I don't know what I thought. I guess I assumed in the beginning the sooner I had her and gave her away my life could go back to normal. I was wrong obviously. Stupid and naive to think something impossible. Going back to my once 'normal life' is not possible. I'm not even sure what normal is anymore which is maybe the reason I can't move on.

Moving forward with my life seems like the easy most logical thing I can do in my life but it feels out of reach. I can't stop thinking about her. I won't allow myself to be truly happy when deep down the thought of being happy is wrong. I know she's not coming back. I learned right away my wishing and pleading as months past were meaningless. Somehow though the past, the way she came to be doesn't bother me. What bothers me is I couldn't save her and protect her from leaving this world too soon. It feels like a piece of me died the morning she died. I blamed myself and it's my fault she died. She was a part of me, my daughter, and now she's barely a faint memory I don't want to lose.