Out Of My Mind

Talk Me Down

I wanna sleep next to you
But that's all I wanna do right now
So come over now and talk me down
-Troye Sivan
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Stiles
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It hit me like a truck. All at once, I could feel it. It weighed me down, pulled me lower and lower, tightening in my chest and threatening to rip through my stomach.

That feeling... That horrible, disgusting feeling.

For some reason it hadn't been happening when she was around- it was always when she was gone- when i had snuck out of her house and walked down the road late at night, trying to prevent anyone from seeing me with her as to not let Chase find out about our secret gatherings.

They had been frequent now- and every time I went- I wouldn't want to leave. But after the first night of me sleeping at her house... We couldn't risk anyone finding out. So I go over for some hours and then leave.

Is it the best situation? No. But it's all we had.

I sat on my bed, clenching my teeth. I wanted to go to her house... To hurt her... But part of me knew it wasn't really me. I had to control myself.

I stood up, pacing. I hadn't felt like this in a while, the feeling died down a bit after being with her so much, but it was so bad now that I cringed from the anger.

My head shot over to the window as I watched it slide open, a small figure sliding through and closing the window.

"Wh-what're you doing here? Get out-" I said to Lydia as she walked across the room quickly, closing my bedroom door, locking it.

"I could feel you angry so I came over-" She said. I spun her around, slamming her into the wall.

"That's so stupid, you knew I was angry, why the hell would you come here??? I want to kill you! I could kill you." I screamed into her face. She shook slightly before shaking her head and spoke softly between gritted teeth.

"Because. I knew you were feeling horrible... And I figured you're fine when you're with me... So I came over..." She said, pursing her lips and looking up at my eyes.

I clenched my teeth, trying my hardest not to hurt her.

"You don't want to hurt me Stiles, I know that you don't. You just have to control it..." She said softly, not moving as I held her against the wall. She shook slightly, staring at me.

"How do you know that?...." I ask, inches from her face, glaring at her.

"Because. You're too strong to give in Stiles, you can't hurt me. Just think of how you felt when Malia called me worthless... When you broke a chair because you cared about me so much... You wouldn't have broken that chair if you didn't care about me... You don't want to hurt me." She says.

And I don't. I actually don't. I feel something else, something different. As I watch her, shaking against the wall, nervous, I don't feel strong- I don't feel happy about hurting her... I feel weak. I feel vulnerable and compassionate.

I let go of her and she sighs, sinking slowly down the wall, still shaking.

"I-I'm so sorry I... I'm sorry... You shouldn't have come here- I could have hurt you I could have. I was about to- I could feel it." I say, pacing back and forth. She quickly stands up and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, look at me." She said before placing her hand on my face, forcing me to look down at her.

"You weren't going to hurt me. If I thought you were going to hurt me, I wouldn't have come because you would have never forgiven yourself if you did something to me. I'm fine, I'm here. And you didn't hurt me." She said, smiling softly. She was still shaking slightly, uncontrollably.