The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

XLI - "For maximum eye gauging, throat slashing potential."

Helena threaded through the crowds with a vampire piglet and a drunken protagonist in tow, making sure Main stayed upright and out of the way at all times. They came to a stop at the castle gates, where the guards examined them with wary eyes.

"State your business," the first guard demanded.

"Find Humperdinck, find Buttercup, marry Buttercup--"

Helena elbowed Main. "We, uh, seek an audience with Prince Humperdinck."  

*

The guard turned away to consult with the other flamingos."Helena?" Main slurred. 'Why are the guards flamingos?"

"Flourin is famous for two things: its pop music, and its flamingo battalion. Check out their beaks; they're iron rimmed, for maximum eye gauging, throat slashing potential."

The guard turned back to them. "Did you have an appointment?"

*

Mr. Trotter leapt out of Helena's shirt and attacked the unsuspecting flamingo guard.

"I can't take it!" he squealed. "I need delicious flamingo blood!"

"Trotter, no!" Helena gasped. "Don't draw unnecessary attention! You'll complicate the plot again."

*

But it was too late; Mr. Trotter had lunged. His fangs clinked awkwardly against the flamingo's  armored neck, trying to find purchase. 

The flamingo stumbled backwards, waving his wings in panic, as the vampire piglet latched onto his neck began to sparkle like a cheap disco ball.

"You lied to us, you're just like those Twilight scum!" Main shouted.

"I carried you inside my rib cage!" Helena said. "What the hell, man?"

Mr. Trotter continued his ineffective attack. 

The thrashing weight of the vampire piglet unbalanced the oddly muscular bird, and they both went rolling down the (previously unmentioned, but convenient to the unfolding action) hill. The remainder of the flamingo battalion chased after them, leaving only the sound of distantly clinking armor and a flurry of pink feathers, spiraling on the breeze.

Main gazed at their unchallenged path to the castle. 

Helena leaned over the flamingo's desk. She handed him a name tag. "Here you go, Baron Jenkins. You have an appointment with the King today." 

They advanced.