uncontrollable (completed)

falling in love with you

When we got to his flat, it was quiet and dark. I don't know why I expected anything different, considering Phil wasn't here, but I was still surprised by how empty it seemed.

"So," Dan said with a smile. "I finally got you 'into my room'" I rolled my eyes, before looking around the room. I didn't remember much about it from the time I'd fallen asleep here, too stressed about the flashback to really comprehend what was going on.

His bed took up most of the room, it was large, with black, grey and white checkered sheets. He had a piano pushed up against one wall, a desk facing out towards the windows. His bed seemed to be the only logical place to sit, but I ignored it, sitting at the desk instead.

"Yeah," I responded. "It's nice."

"Do you mind if I change? The studio get's pretty hot and I was wearing a jumper, so I'm kind of gross."

I tried to smile. "Sure, go ahead."

Dan reached for the drawers of a dresser, and grabbed some all black ensemble I couldn't discern before ducking out of the room to change in the bathroom. I sat down on the edge of his bed, smoothing my hands over the soft fabric. This room was worse than I thought. Dark. Ambient, with the amber lamp in the corner. A calculus test would feel intimate in here.

Dan was back before I was ready for him, which was bound to happen. He'd looked like he washed his face, and was wearing a particularly soft shirt this time, and a pair of black sweatpants. He sat down on the bed next to me- I knew he would- and picked my hand up off the bedspread and held it loosely in both of his. He was looking at it, then running his fingertips along the back, up and down my fingers.

"You like it in here?" He asked."

"Yeah," I said. "it's-"

Dan brought one leg up between us and bumped my thigh with his knee. I practically jumped off the bed. He made a frustrated noise that was part laugh, part sigh, and wrinkled his nose. "Are you really that nervous?"

"I guess so." I said. "I'm sorry."

"Do you know why? I mean, what's making you nervous? I meant what I said earlier about the table, and what's off it."

"There is no table in here." I said. "Just a bed."

He pulled my hand onto his chest. "Is that what you're scared of?"

"I don't know what I'm scared of..." That was a lie. A giant one. I was scared that he's start touching me, and I'd touch him, and then we wouldn't stop. I was scared I wasn't ready to be that person. The person who doesn't stop. "I'm sorry." I said. Dan looked down at our hands, and he looked so disappointed and confused- and it was such a piss-poor way to treat him. Dishonestly. Distantly. After he'd put himself out there for me over and over again.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, and he looked lifted his eyes as I tried to scoot closer to him. "I don't think I can tell you how much everything you've done for me means to me- what you mean to me" I said. "Dan."

He lifted his whole face now. His eyes were hopeful now. Wary. "C'mere." He said, tugging my hand.

"I'm not sure I know how."

He clenched his jaw. "I have an idea."

"I can't read to you right now," I teased. "I don't have my book."

"Don't you have your phone?"

I tilted my head. "That was really your idea? Reading?"

"Yeah," He said, rubbing the palm of my hand. "It always relaxes you."