uncontrollable (completed)

"the girl kind"

I didn't wake when the front door swung open. But I jumped when it slammed closed. That's when I felt Dan sprawled out beneath me, the warm scrape of his chin against my forehead. Then I woke up.

Then, Phil was standing at the end of my bed, staring at us. He was wearing fresh clothing, which meant he had probably just gotten up and walked over here.

I sat up. And Dan sat up. Groggily. And I felt my stomach barrelling up my throat.

Dan reached for my phone and looked at it. "Shit," He said. "I'm going to be late for the interview." He was up then, and putting on his coat. "Fell asleep reading." He said, half to the floor and half to Phil.

"Reading." Phil repeated, looking at me.

"Later," Dan said, more to the floor than either of us. And then he was gone. And Phil was standing at the end of my bed. My eyes were sticky and sore, and suddenly full of tears.

"I'm sorry" I said, because I had no idea what else to say. I felt it in my stomach, and every sore muscle in my stomach. "Oh my god."

"So," Phil said. "My roommate?"

I crossed my legs, hunching over, holding my face. "Oh god." I repeated. "I'm so sorry"

"Don't" Phil said, obviously pissed.

"But I knew. I knew he was your roommate, I knew that he was off limits." I was crying now, even though it would probably make Phil more angry.

"Stop. I just didn't expect this to happen." He said. "And if it did, I didn't expect it to bother me. I just... it's Dan. And Dan always liked me best."

"He still likes you best." I hiccuped

"Don't be an idiot, Mara." Phil said, not entirely in a mean way. "I mean, I know you are about this sort of stuff, but try not to be one right this moment."

"I'm sorry..." I said, trying and failing to look up at my best friend. "I still don't know why I did it. I swear I'm not that kind of girl."

Phil finally turned away. "What kind of girl is that, Mara? The normal kind?... I'm going to go have some of your cereal and when I get back I'll be over this." He walked over to the door. And when he came back, he was.

I curled up on my bed, and let myself cry like I hadn't all last week. I found The Raven Boys wedged between the wall, and threw it on the floor. When Phil came in he saw the book on the floor.

"Shit." He said suddenly. "I was supposed to give him the english version." He looked at me. "Were you actually just reading?".

"Not just," I said, my voice a hiccupy wheeze.

"Stop crying." Phil said. "I mean it."

I closed my eyes and rolled towards the wall. Phil sat down on the end of my bed. "I knew he liked you- he was always hanging out with us, and he dropped by here almost more than me. I just didn't know you liked him back."

"I thought he was always here because he was looking for you." I said. "I didn't want to like him back. I tried to be mean to him."

"Well," Phil said. "You are mean sometimes."

I laughed and rubbed my eye for the three hundredth time in twelve hours. I felt like I had pink eye.

"I'm over it." Said Phil. "I was just surprised."

"You can't be over it." I said, sitting up and leaning against the wall. "Even if you aren't upset about it, I thought you'd be upset and still kissed him."