uncontrollable (completed)

on friday

Things were back to normal- well kind of normal. I could hang out with Phil at his flat without worries, because, well there was no one to avoid. If anything, I ended up there with Dan more than with Phil. But never in his room, never in his bed like I had been after my flashback. It became a running joke, when would he get me "into his room."

We stayed in the lounge with Phil, and even when Phil wasn't there we stayed in the lounge. Something about going into his room seemed too... adult. Like if I went in there it made everything real. I could handle Dan there, surrounded by video games and cute knick knacks, where Phil could walk in at any moment.

Dan and I had seen each other a lot since his surprise visit to my flat. Almost every day, actually, but we'd never been on a real date together. He'd just taken to showing up with his laptop or a book, and I'd sit on my desk chair, and he'd sit on my bed, working on a video or scrolling through tumblr.

Dan must have felt like someone pulled a bait-and-switch on him. Back when we were nothing to each other- back when I thought he was off limits- I had crawled into bed with him and fallen asleep mouth to mouth. Now that we were seeing each other- not really dating, but seeing each other every day- we only sometimes held hands. And when we did, I sort of pretended that we weren't- I didn't acknowledge it. And I never touched him first.

I wanted to. God, I wanted to tackle him and roll around in him like a cat in a field of daisies. Which was why I didn't. Because I was a virgin and an idiot. And Dan could make me breathless just standing in the elevator, just resting his hand on the small of my back.

This is something I might want to talk about with Eliza, if I was a little closer with her. I had a good guess about what she would say though. Eliza would tell me not to be stupid- that boys wanted to touch you so badly, they didn't care if you were good at it. But Dan wasn't a boy. He wasn't panting to get up someone's shirt for the first time. Dan had been up shirts; he probably just took them off.

I wasn't planning to be a virgin forever. I wasn't even planning to be a virgin until I got married. I just thought I'd be doing these things with someone... different. Someone that was somehow more inexperienced and pathetic than I was. Someone who wouldn't make me feel so out of control.

Dan somehow made me feel loose and immoral. He had this thing where he bit his lip and raised an eyebrow when he was trying not to laugh at something... Madness. Then, if he did laugh, his shoulders would start shaking and his eyebrows would pull up in the middle. And then his dimples appeared. That wasn't even the worst part, sometimes if he was wearing the right shirt, you could see his collarbones- Dan's collarbones were pornagraphic. If I were making decisions on collarbones alone, I would've been "into his room" a while ago.

If I was being rational, there was a lot between holding hands and collarbone-driven sex... But I wasn't being rational. And Dan made me feel like my whole body was a slippery slope.

I sat at my desk. Dan sat on my bed and kicked my chair.

"Hey," He said. "I was thinking that this weekend, we should go on a real date."

"What do you have in mind?" I asked, spinning in my chair to face him.

"Well," He said. "If you say yes, it's a surprise."

"Okay."

"On friday?" He asked, looking up at me with his usual smile. It made his dimples show, and I had to look away so I didn't end up staring at him.

"On friday." I confirmed, leaning over my sketchbook that was sprawled across the desk. I heard Dan moving behind me, and felt my heartbeat speed up. I tried not to jump when he placed his hands on my shoulders but despite myself, I did. He just chuckled, and leaned down to rest his head on top of mine.

"I have to go soon." He said, leaning down again so his head was on my shoulder, and his mouth dangerously close to my neck. "But I'll see you friday." He was so close to me, I could smell his citrus and leather scent, and feel his hot breath on my neck.

"Okay." I said, trying my best to sound normal. "It's a date."