uncontrollable (completed)

come home with me

It had been a long day of work, and I'd already showered and put on my pajamas. Dan was at the radio station, and Phil was up north visiting his family. Eliza was in her room, and I could hear her moving through the paper-like walls. I was so busy with work, because of being out for so long, that I hadn't gotten to see Dan all week. He called to let me know he finished up the show.

"Can I stop by?" He asked, like he wanted it. "Say goodnight?"

"Eliza's here." I said. "She's in the shower. I think she's going to bed."

"Can you come down?"

"Where would we go?" I asked.

"We could go on a walk-"

"It's freezing out."

He hesitated for a moment. "We could go to my flat." I didn't say anything. "Come home with me, Mara." I could hear him smiling. "it's early, and I don't want to say goodnight."

"I never want to say goodnight, but we manage."

"Wait, you don't?"

"No," I whispered.

"Come home with me," He whispered back.

"To your lair of iniquity?"

"Yes, that's what everyone calls my room."

"Gah," I said. "I've told you. It's just too much.. your flat without Phil there. Your room. We'll walk in and all that will be in there is a bed. And I'll throw up from nerves."

"And desire?"

"Mostly nerves."

"Why is it such a big deal? All your room has is a bed."

"And a roommate who can hear every word we say through the wall." I said.

"Which is why we should go to my flat. Nobody will ever walk in on us."

"That's what makes me nervous."

Dan hmmmed. Like he was thinking. "What if I promise not to touch you?"

I laughed. "Now I have zero incentive to come."

"What if I promise to let you touch me first?"

"Are you kidding? I'm the untrustworthy person in this relationship. I'm all hands."

"I've seen no evidence of that, Mara."

"In my head, I'm all hands."

"I want to live in your head."

I covered my face with my hands, as if he could actually see me. We didn't usually flirt like this, not quite so frankly. Maybe the phone brought it out in me.

"Hey Mara..." Dan's voice was soft. "What exactly are we waiting for?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you take the abstinence pledge?"

I laughed, but still managed to sound affronted. "No."

"Is it-" He exhaled quickly, like he was forcing something out. "- Is it still about trust? Me earning your trust?"

My voice dropped so soft it was almost nothing. "God, Dan, no. I trust you."

"I wasn't even talking about sex," He said. "I mean... not just sex. We can take that off the table completely if it makes you feel better."

"Completely?"

"Until further discussion. If you knew I wasn't pushing you for that, if it wasn't even on the horizon, do you think you could relax and just.. let me touch you?"

"What kind of touching?" I asked.

"Do you want me to show you on a doll?"

I laughed. "Touching." He said. "I want to touch you. Hold you. I want to sit right next to you even when there are other options."

I took a deep breath. I felt like I owed it to him to keep talking. "I want to touch you, too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I said.

"What kind of touching?" He asked.

"I haven't decided yet."

Dan laughed. "Come home with me, Mara. I miss you. And I don't want to say goodnight."

"Okay," I said letting a deep breath. "When will you get here?:

He was obviously grinning. "I'm already downstairs."

....

I put on some black leggings and a grey sweater that was so big it might as well have been a dress. I wore a scarf too, knowing how cold the weather was.

"Going out?" Eliza said.

"Dan just finished the radio show."

"Should I wait up for you?" She laughed.

"If you feel like it," I said, and walked out the door. The floor was empty, and the elevator music was somehow creepy when I was all alone. When I stepped out into the lobby, Dan was there, leaning against a column, playing some app on his phone. When he saw me, a grin broke out on his face and he pushed of the column with his shoulder, walking over to me.

"Hey," He said, kissing the top of my head. "Your hair is wet."

"That's what happens when you wash it."

He pulled up my hood. I took his hand before he could reach for mine, and he rewarded me with an especially wide grin. When we walked out the building, I knew in my heart, in my stomach, that I wasn't coming back until morning.