uncontrollable (completed)

I'm rooting for you.

Dan sat on my bed. I tried to pretend that he wasn't watching me as I took off my coat and threaded my scarf out from under my curtain of long, dark hair. I took my boots off, and then sat down at my desk chair.

"Mara?" He asked, leaning forward on the end of my bed.

"Yeah?"

"Is this-? Are you giving me another chance?"

"I don't know." I said, playing with my hands so I didn't start chewing my nails.

"Do you want to?"

"What do you mean?" I let myself look up at him. His hair was falling into his face, and he was chewing on his bottom lip.

"Are you.. are you rooting for me?"

I shook my head like I had earlier, except this time it meant I was confused. "What do you mean?"

"I just.." Dan leaned forward, his hands still planted firmly in his pockets. "I just, I spent the past few months trying to kiss you and the last three weeks trying to figure out how I managed to fuck everything up. All I want now is to make this work, to make you see how sorry I am and convince you to give me another chance. And I want to know, are you rooting for me? Do you want me to pull this off?" I watched him carefully, tentatively. I didn't want to get caught staring.

I nodded my head. The right side of his mouth pulled up. "I'm rooting for you." I said, softly. So quiet, I wasn't sure he could hear me from the bed. Dan's smile broke free and devoured his whole face. It started to devour my face too, and I had to look away.

....

A few hours (and one third of the dream thieves) later I set down the book I had been reading. Dan had asked me to read to him (again), although this time it wasn't for work related purposes. I didn't want to be the girl that forgives and forgets so quickly, and melts back into the boy like nothing bad ever happened. But still I wanted to melt into Dan. Even if I didn't want to forgive him, part of me already had. I was happy about it, but I wasn't really sure why. Not much had changed, it was like there was a clean slate, and we were back to that morning after he kissed me.

We were even in the same place, leaning against the wall in my room, on my bed. Not much had changed. But some things had. The wanting to kiss. That was new. The looking at Dan and seeing how his hair fell against his forehead and into his eyes sometimes. The wanting to brush it back. Nope- that wasn't new. I'd thought about that before.

I did my best not to sit too close to Dan, not to lean into him and absorb his warmth like I had that night three weeks ago.

"You do like me..." Dan asked. "Right?"

"I wouldn't've kissed you if I didn't like you." I said, surprised by his sudden question.

"You might have-"

"No," I said firmly. "I wouldn't have. And I wouldn't have stayed up all night reading to you."

Dan was smiling, smiling so widely and with his dimple. He shouldn't have been though, I was being serious.

"Why did you tell me it was just a kiss?" I said, waiting for my voice to waver, as it surely would. " I don't really care about that other girl, because it wasn't like we were dating and you were cheating on me. But why was your first instinct to tell me that what happened didn't matter."

Dan got it now, he shouldn't be smiling. He looked down at his hands, avoiding my gaze. "I just panicked.." I waited for him to elaborate. He ran his hands through his hair. (Dan, always, always messing with his hair.)

"I panicked." He repeated. "I thought that if you knew how much kissing you meant to me.. it would seem even worse than if I kissed another girl."

"That's terrible reasoning." I said, letting the weight of his words sink in.

"I wasn't reasoning." He said, turning to look at me. "I was panicking. Honestly? I'd forgotten all about the girl at the party."

"Because kissing girls at parties is normal for you?"

"No.. I mean.." He looked away, making a frustrated noise. "Sometimes, but no. I only kissed that girl because you weren't there. Because you didn't return my texts. Because I was back to thinking I'd been dumb the whole time and you never liked me. I was confused, and a little drunk, and there was this girl that obviously did like me... She probably left five minutes after you did. And five minutes after that I was staring at my phone trying to come up with a reason to call you."

"Why didn't you just say that at the library?"

"Because I felt like such an asshole. And I'm not used to being the asshole. I'm used to being the nice guy, and I had this whole plan to win you over."

"There was a plan?"

"There was.." He let his head fall back against the wall, and his hands fell into his lap. "There was a hope."

I wanted him to stop talking. I didn't need to hear anymore. "Dan..." I said, giving up and tugging on his sleeve (black again) and squeezing a few inches of the soft fabric into my fist. "I don't want to hurt you, but I'm just..." I trailed off, and he looked at me, worried. "I'm just not good at this stuff. Relationship stuff, and I don't want to let you down. I just.. I don't trust people. And the more I care about someone, the more I'm sure they're going to get tired of me and leave."

Dan's face clouded over. Not angrily though- not storm clouds. More thoughtful clouds.

"That's crazy." He said.

"I know." I replied, feeling a sort of sagging relief at admitting it. "Exactly. I'm crazy."

"But you still want to give me a chance, right? Not just me, this? Us?

"Yeah." I said, and I found that I wasn't lying.

"Good." He tugged on my sleeve and smiled at our not quite touching hands. "it's okay if you're crazy." He said softly.

"You don't even know-" I started.

"I don't have to know," He said, taking me by the back of the neck. "I'm rooting for you."