uncontrollable (completed)

waking or dreaming

I tried to open my eyes. They were wet and swollen and the blue-black world rocked around me. Somehow I was very warm, but curled up.

"Mara?" Dan asked. I was inches away from his face, my head resting against his shoulder, on the crook between his neck and his ear. He was carrying me. Not inside the concrete room, and not in the park anymore.

"Dan." I whispered back, but I was tired.

"I'm here. Phil is too, but he's in his room."

He folded me into a gray bed that I'd never sat on before, and I relaxed into it immediately.

"What happened?" I asked, even though I already knew. I passed out. I had a flashback. And now I was shaking.

"You fainted during our first friendship outing." He said lightly, although he was obviously freaked out by the experience.

"Low blood sugar." I lied.

"You screamed."

Shit. I leaned back further into the bed. "Sorry," I whispered. And I was. I couldn't even go out without crumbling into pieces. I felt like a tool.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. You're fine."

I smiled, but it was hollow. "Admit it. That was weird."

Dan said nothing.

"I can explain," I said, as the fog in my brain receded. I could explain. I owed him that.

"There's no need," he said quietly.

I barked out a laugh. "Thanks, but I'd rather you didn't think that's my typical reaction to hanging out in parks"

"I don't think that."

I sighed. "Then what do you think?" I asked, eyes closed.

"I don't think anything," he said. His voice was even.

It didn't make sense that Dan was so nonchalant about my little episode. I opened my eyes to look at him.

"You're not at all curious?" It was slightly suspicious.

"No." Dan stared straight ahead, still towering over me next to the bed.

Not slightly suspicious. Very suspicious.

"Why not?" My pulse raced as I awaited his answer. I had no idea what Dan was going to say.

"Because I think I know," he said, and looked down at me. "Phil."

"He told you?" I said, shock hitting me like a slap in the face. I knew Phil wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but setting me up for something like this without telling me was a dick move. Dan nodded in response, and I blushed. "So you knew this whole time? You know everything?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "Not everything, but enough. I know that you have the hallucinations sometimes, and the nightmares, and the flashbacks." He took a deep breath, and sat down on the bed beside me. "And I know someone did something terrible to you, but that's it. I'm sorry."

His eyes lingered on my hands, and I felt a need to cover every scar on my body from his view, even the little ones on my hands.

"Why didn't you tell me that you knew? Why did you lie?" I said, growing disappointed.

"I thought you'd tell me when the time was right." Dan replied, running his hands through his hair. "I didn't want to push you."

I felt so stupid. Phil had orchestrated all of this, trying to force Dan into liking me, and trying to help me make more friends. How could I have thought, that maybe I'd end up with a friend who liked me for me. Not someone who tolerated me because of a pitiful story and a few nightmares.

"You don't have to pretend to like me anymore." I said, exhausted. "It's okay." I was so tired after all this, and this was the most my ptsd had been acting up in months. It couldn't be past noon, and I'd already had a nightmare, a hallucination, and a flashback. I could understand why Dan wouldn't want to hang around with me.

"Mara? What are you talking about?" Dan said, sitting down on the bed next to me. I suddenly realized that this was probably his room, and I was lying in his bed.

"What did Phil bribe you with to hang out with me today?" I asked, closing my eyes again, not wanting to see his face when he gave me the answer. It almost hurt physically, knowing that none of it was real.

"Mara, he didn't bribe me with anything. I wanted to hang out with you today." He paused, but I kept my eyes closed. "I asked Phil because I wanted to know more about you. I was curious, okay?"

I peeked an eye open, to see Dan looking flustered for once. "It's not every day you meet people from Phil's life, let alone pretty ones." He grumbled, looking defensive.

"You called me pretty." I mumbled, my face pressed against the pillow. Dan's face grew a shade pinker, and he crossed his arms.

"Yeah?" He responded. "What of it?"

I smiled despite myself. "Nothing."I lay there, still a little bit disoriented from my sudden flashback. "I think you're pretty too." I whispered sleepily. After the whole ordeal, all I wanted to do was curl up and go to bed, and I was pretty comfortable where I was.

"I'm pretty?" Dan asked, and I smiled again, closing my eyes.

"You're the prettiest pretty boy to ever pretty." I said solemnly, nodding my head. "Now let me go to sleep."

"Yeah, whatever." Dan responded, and I felt the weight of the bed shift. Dan must've gotten off, and I heard his footsteps retreating from the room. The door clicked shut softly, but he was back faster than I expected.

I felt a weight on my shoulders, and knew that Dan was tucking a blanket around me. "You don't have to take care of me." I whispered, and got a chuckle out of Dan.

"Well, I want to. Plus, you're in my room." Oh. I'd forgotten about that. I suddenly felt a little guilty for stealing his bed, and just taking up his space in general.

"Sorry." I said, and I was, even though I didn't make an effort to move.

"It's nothing, just go to sleep Mara." I felt the weight of the bed shift beside me, before Dan asked me a question. "Is it alright if I just hang out here? I'm not going to try anything."

"I know," I responded, my voice just barely a whisper. "It is your room after all." and then I didn't say anything else, I just listened to the sounds of the room around me, and the boy who occupied it. Pages turning from whatever book he was reading, the sounds of sirens outside in the rainy street, the hum of electric heating. It was all enough to lull me into a state of almost sleep, and I stayed that way, drifting in between sleeping and waking.

So that's why I wasn't sure if Dan brushing my hair out of my face with his long fingers was a dream or not. Or if he actually told me to have sweet dreams. Or if he fell asleep too at some point, and we ended up limbs tangled together, breath heavy with sleep. I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not, but I didn't care. I felt warm, content, and sleepy. And for the first time in a long while, I felt safe.