uncontrollable (completed)

"the girl kind"

"Wow.." Phil said, "when you put it that way, it's pretty messed up."

I nodded miserably.

"So why'd you do it?"

I thought of Dan's warmth against my arm last night. And his warm brown eyes. And his dimple in his cheek when he smiled. I closed my eyes, and pressed the heels of my hands into them.

"I just really, really wanted to."

Phil sighed. "Well, I'm hungry. Dan likes you, you like him- I'm over it. It could get weird around here real fast if my two best friends start dating, but there's no turning back, you know?" I didn't say anything, but Phil kept talking. "If Dan and I were more than friends, we'd have to throw down. But Dan and I aren't. So let's get lunch, okay?"

I looked up at Phil, and nodded my head.

....

Phil was eating his second bowl of lucky charms this morning. "Okay," He said, stabbing his spoon in my direction. "Now what?"

"Now what, what?" I said, my mouth full of grilled cheese.

"Now what with Dan."

I swallowed. "Nothing. I don't know. Do I have to know what?"

"Do you want my help with this?"

I looked at Phil. He was about as intimidating as a teddy bear, and that was without knowing his sweet personality. Somehow, right now, he was being fearless.

"I don't know what this is." I said. I clenched my fists in my lap and forced myself to keep talking. "I feel like... What happened last night was just an aberration. Like it could've only happened in the middle of the night when he and I were both really tired. Because if it was daylight, one of us would've realized what we were doing-"

"I already told you." Phil said. "I'm over it."

"It's not just that." I turned my face to look out the window, then back at Phil earnestly. "It was one thing when I had a crush on him and he was unattainable. But I don't think I could actually be with Dan. It would be like interspecies dating."

Phil let his spoon drop sloppily into the bowl. "What's wrong with Dan?"

"Nothing." I said. "That's the point. He's just.. not like me."

"You mean, smart?"

"Dan's really smart." I said defensively.

"I know." Phil said, just as defensive.

"He's just.. too good." I said. "I'm like that creepy ramshackle house at the end of the road, and he's like the shiny new one that's just been built."

Phil's expression changed. "You're telling me you don't want to date Dan because you're too screwed up for him?"

"I just.." I said, leaning back in my chair. "I don't want to start something that's going to end as soon as he realizes that I'm..." I stopped, I didn't want to say crazy, because I wasn't that far gone, but these days I was getting close. "I don't want him to leave because he realizes I'm damaged." I said, finally. "And I'm scared that I won't be able to make him happy because.. he doesn't look like a virgin. And I am. And I don't want to mess up in that area too, okay?"

Phil raised his eyebrow like I was talking crazy. "You make him sound like a fuckboy that only cares about sex and ignores emotions" I laughed, despite myself. "He's just a guy," Phil continued. "And of course he's not going to be just like you- first of all, because that guy never leaves his flat."

"Guy's like Dan don't date girls like me."

"You mean the girl kind?"

"Guys like Dan date girls like..." I trailed off, trying to think of someone I knew that Dan meshed well with. "Like Louise, but like, not married and with children."

"And what does that mean?" Phil asked, tilting his head.

"Normal," I said. "Pretty."

Phil rolled his eyes. "Seriously," I continued. "She's got her shit together, and look at me. I'm afraid of everything. And I'm crazy, like legitimately crazy." Phil rolled his eyes again, and I made a mental note to not roll my eyes so much.

"What would we do together?" I said. "He'd want to go to summer in the city and I'd want to stay inside and read."

"I'm not going to talk you into this." Phil said. "Especially if you're going to be dumb about it. But I will say this: You're being dumb. He already likes you. He even likes the weird books you read and your tumblr, he won't stop talking about it."

"Dan follows my blog?" I asked, but Phil ignored the question and kept talking.

"Dan's just a guy. A really, really good guy- maybe even the best- guy, and nobody's saying you have to marry him. So stop making everything so hard, Mara. You kissed him, right? The only question is, do you want to kiss him again?"