Just Shut Up And Die

Chapter Eighteen

Harry's POV

His eyes were wide and he'd stopped breathing, the blues scanning my face for any sign of deceit. When he found none, his mouth opened and then shut tightly again.

Please say yes, pleas say yes, please! Just... just take me.

Slowly, painfully so, he gave a slight a tentative nod. I breathed out a relieved sigh and beamed brightly. An airy chuckle escaped my lips but, however, as soon as it died down the situation felt heavy with awkwardness. With Louis sandwiched between me and the door and my not really knowing what my next action was supposed to or expected to be. Like was this the moment I was supposed to kiss him and we'd have one of those 'moments'? Or was I supposed to just step away and probably make the situation even more awkward? I'd never been with a guy before and wasn't really aware if a guy would appreciate being treated slightly like a girl would. I'd never had that 'confused phase' in my adolescent years. If this situation had been with a girl I'd kiss her, but... Louis wasn't a girl. Sure, I did kiss him that one time, but that didn't really end well. With me locked in a bathroom, too scared and disgusted with myself to even face the mirror, let alone Louis. Sweet, perfect Louis.

Even with all these racing thoughts and speculations tumbling back and forth in a whirlwind, I found myself leaning closer before I could comprehend what I was doing. The moment made me feel five years younger, inexperienced and insecure. Louis made me feel that way.

Our lips just simply touched, at first. Nothing more than just a shy nudge of the lips, then Louis' lips started moving coyly. He seemed almost timid, afraid that I would soon jump away from him and go hide somewhere. Anger blossomed inside me, solely directed at myself, and also guilt. I felt guilty that I had made him doubt himself and that I'd held him back from being the best he could be. And I responded with passion and strength, reassuring him that I wanted this - that I wanted him - and that he wasn't doing anything out of line. This kiss was nothing like the last, this one was sweet, bashful and young. There was no other way to describe it. There was no tongue, no teeth and no heat. It was young and childish, probably the sweetest thing I'd ever experienced.

I didn't want to break the kiss, afraid of any awkwardness next moment could bring, but this kiss had the potential of becoming more heated. And I wanted to remember this moment for what it was - precious and puerile. So I pulled back and smiled at the endearing blush tinting Louis' cheeks, highly sure that I wore a matching one.

I took a step back to give him some air room and offered, for lack of better things to say;

"Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, erm, no, I really should be getting back," he declined with a pleasantly shy smile.

"Okay," I smiled even though I felt a tad disappointed that I couldn't spend more time with him.

He turned to the door and hesitated with his hand on the door handle. He faced me once again with a reluctant, troubled expression, like he wanted to say something but didn't know how to word his thoughts or if he should at all.

"Spit it out, Lou," I said, amused.

"Er, just to clear any future confusion, like, where do we stand? Can I call you my boyfriend-- I'm not saying we have to tell anyone," he reassured quickly, "but like, can I think of you as my boyfriend... in my head?" He looked so vulnerable, like my answer would make it or break it for him, yet also so hopeful. Who was I to crush that hope?

"I'll be anything you want me to be," I quoted the famous line. His whole face lit up with an odd sort of innate light made my heart skip a beat.

"Well, then I'll see you tomorrow... boyfriend," he giggled in the most adorable way, causing my heart to momentarily fail me. Then he turned the handle and was about to walk into the door since it was still locked, but caught himself in the last moment. His cheeks burned in embarrassment and I just wanted to pick him up, put him in my pocket and keep him there forever. He wriggled the lock and sent a nervous smile my way before he disappeared.

I fell down on the sofa with a lovesick sigh and clutched a pillow to my chest as my mind never left the thought of Louis and kept replaying the precious kiss, over and over again.

~

A week passed and stolen glances and kisses were shared whenever we were concealed or simply unwatched. And I savoured every second of it. There was still a part of me that hated myself for loving Louis and I despised that part, for it kept me from completely giving myself to him. I was torn in that sense, though when I had these conflicted emotions, a lucid smile from Louis was all I needed to be reassured. The fans noticed, of course - those loveable observant little bastards - that both my and Louis' behaviours had brightened considerably. Twitter and Tumblr were in turmoil, coming up with wild and over-thought conspiracies. There were a lot of people that were overjoyed and posted stuff like, "YAY! OMGOMG LARRY GPT TOGETER I PROMIS THT IS WAHT HAPPEND!!!! IM DEAD. DED I TELL YOU, DEAD!!!" which would quickly be suppressed by homophobic arseholes, "Seriously! Would you stop?! Louis and Harry are NOT together. That is disgusting and perfect boys like them would never be together with the same gender! You repulse me for even suggesting it and accusing them of being something they're not! And learn to fucking write!!!"
Quite depressing, really.

~

At a talk show:

"- so we're not going to discuss anyone's sexuality here, however people are really curious of what your thoughts are about the topic. So, what is your opinion of homosexuality and homophobia-"

Please don't pick me, please don't pick me, please don't pick me-

"-Harry?"

Why?

I glanced over at Lou, who was seated next to me, and a tranquil peace flooded through me. When I faced Stacy the interviewer again, I spoke my heart.

"I think..." I took a deep breath, "I can somehow get where homophobic belief systems come from however much I disagree with it," I sounded a bit uncertain.

Stacy frowned and, "What do you mean?"

"I mean that homosexuality has been illegal for a very long time and that's why kids often get bullied in school for their sexuality. Because there are many of them that have old fashioned parents, grandparents or even peers. Anyone they'd look up to, really. Sometimes it can be hard to let go of what you've always known, and allow change. I think that love is love no matter what shape, form, gender, nationality or age. Sometimes it can be hard to accept it yourself but - in my opinion - that is other people's beliefs forced upon you, making you believe that something you want to be right, is wrong. And that only ends in hurt feelings. You get what I'm saying?"

Stacy nodded her head and I looked over at Louis with a loving smile as warmth spread in my chest.

"You should never be ashamed of who your heart belongs to."

And an equally loving smile tugged at Louis' features at the charged emotion he understood behind my words. The audience broke out in deafening applauds after my little speech, yet all I could focus on was Louis' next words.

"Unconditional love really is something, isn't it?"

If it was.

[A/N]: The gif on the side pulls at my heartstrings and eats my insides.

- Lila x