uncontrollable (completed)

babysitter

The honeydew tea was as good as I remembered, and I sipped it slowly, wanting to make sure I still had some when we made it to trafalgar square, even though it was less than a ten minute walk away. The tea was just the right balance between sweet and creamy, the melon flavor complimenting it perfectly. I wondered if Dan liked his as much as I liked mine, and turned to look at him as he walked beside me.

A good amount of his tea was already gone, and I grinned, finding it funny that this tall intimidating guy dressed in all black had a sweet tooth.

"I take it you like the caramel." I laughed, taking another sip of my own tea. Dan currently had the straw in his mouth, and was unable to answer my question, but he nodded vigorously with widened eyes, making me laugh again.

By the time we actually got to Trafalgar square, which was only about ten minutes away from the bubble tea place, Dan had drank almost all of his tea, and was now attempting to steal sips of mine. We sat on the edge of the fountain, watching the tourists and children playing in the square. At this point, I had to keep one hand on my tea all the time, or a significant amount of my tea would mysteriously go missing, courtesy of the brown haired giant sitting next to me.

"What do you think Phil's doing right now?" I said, turning to look at Dan, who when he was sitting, looked like a normal sized guy. It wasn't hard to believe most of his height was in his legs, which were currently stretched out in front of him, seeming to go on for miles.

"He's at a meeting with someone at youtube headquarters, and they were supposed to meet at nine, but I think he was running a little late." Dan said, making a swoop for my tea. I didn't stop him from taking a sip, thinking about what Phil was doing right now. I suddenly felt guilty for calling him this morning. He had rushed over to take care of me, at 5am and hung around with me until seven before taking me out to breakfast. And all I had done was make Phil late, not even thanking for hanging out with me. God, I'm a terrible friend sometimes, I thought to myself, grabbing my tea back from Dan.

A long silence stretched between us after that as my guilt grew. I felt it like a sickness in my stomach, twisting and clenching. I was a burden to everyone I loved, nothing but a nuisance, an annoying pest to put up with, a stupid, worthless-

"Are you okay?" Dan asked, and I smiled automatically, trying to seem cheerful.

"I'm fine," I lied. "Why do you ask?"

He studied my face, as if he was watching for something he knew was there, but couldn't quite find. "You just seem... off."

"Well, I'm not really used to hanging out with strangers." I said, and it was true. I barely knew Dan, and here we were, watching pigeons flutter around the square and stealing sips of tea. Things were moving faster than I was used to, and I already knew I liked him more than I should like someone I just met.

"How about twenty questions?" He suggested, and I felt myself hesitating. "We can get to know eachother better that way." He was right of course, so I agreed, somewhat begrudgingly.

"I'll start." He said. "Let's go for something light. How about favorite color?"

"Anything but white." I said, shivering at the thought of men dressed in all white, and how easily stained their clothing was. "What about you?" I added, attempting to look a little less shaken. I hated the fact that I could barely even handle twenty questions. Who's afraid of the color white?

"Black." He said, without hesitation.

"Black?" I repeated, but of course his favorite color was black, it was all he was wearing from head to toe.

"Yeah." He responded. "Something about it's really calming to me." He finished with a shrug, before turning the conversation back to me.

"It's your turn to ask a question."

I stopped to think. What did I want to ask Dan? There were so many things I didn't know, that it was hard to pinpoint one question, so I just ended up asking him what his favorite animal was. His response was.. less exciting than I hoped.

"A llama?" I asked. "Really?"

"Well, not really." He said, with a shrug. "But it was once, and I said it on the internet and you know the internet never forgets."

"What's your real favorite animal then?" I questioned, genuinely curious.

"Dogs, actually, specifically Shiba Inu's." He said, blushing a little bit. Was he embarrassed? Because oh my god were Shiba Inu's adorable. There was no shame in loving shibes.

"Shibes are fucking adorable." I agreed, and Dan laughed loudly at my use of the word fuck. "What?" I defended myself. "They totally are."

"Okay then, what's your favorite animal. You have to answer the question too." He teased, pointing at me. "Or.. I can push you into the fountain." He laughed, coming closer. I squeaked in surprise at his close proximity, begging for him not to push me in.

"No, no, please, no, n-" I laughed, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back a little, threatening to drop me into the water, I shrieked with laughter, causing the people around us to stare. The water was dangerously close, and I didn't want to know how it felt in my hair.

"My favorite animals are baby seals!" I yelled, and once again the eyes of half the people in the square turned to Dan and I as he pulled me back off the edge.

"Thank you for your cooperation." He grinned, and I playfully hit his side, before telling him it was his turn to pick a question. Dan thought for a few minutes before asking his question, and when he did, I went pale.

"What's your greatest fear?"

I had so many fears. Some of them irrational, some of them caused by my past, almost all of them something I'd never admitted before. Phil knew too much about what I was afraid of, but not because I told him. He was told what happened to me, and with the nightmares and my obvious reactions to some parts of daily life, it wasn't hard to piece together why I was afraid of each little thing. Barbed wire. The color white. My ex boyfriend's cell phone number. Rooms with concrete floors. So many fears, all caused by four agonizing days. My life destroyed, in four days. I shivered. I could never tell someone all that, never lay myself bare in that way.

"Intimacy." I whispered, and Dan flushed. "Not necessarily physical intimacy, if that's what you're thinking." I said, raising an eyebrow pointedly at his reaction. "Although that scares me too, but it's just being..." I trailed off, unable to word it correctly. "Having someone know everything." I shivered again. "It scares the shit out of me."

"I thought you were going to say something like the dark.." He said, running a hand through his short hair.

"Yeah, well, you said greatest fear. Not a fear in general, I have tons more of those." I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah.." He trailed off, looking out across the square. "I don't really know what mine is. Maybe letting myself get changed, you know? I have so much, and I get told I influence people all the time and...." He sighed, cracking his knuckles. "I just don't want to let it get to my head."

"Yeah.." I echoed, trailing off. I wasn't sure what to say in the sudden melancholy mood, so I just scooted over next to Dan, and rested my head against his shoulder. Trying to comfort him in some way. It was ironic, the girl plagued by insanity trying to comfort the internet's favorite brown eyed boy.

"I wish stuff wasn't so hard." He whispered, and I felt a physical ache at his words, because I understood more than anyone.

"Me too."