afraid of kian lawley

28

Kian.

Fuck my head hurts. I just had this awful dream that I hit Emma and she was so upset. I miss her so much. I want her back. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss her playing with my hair. And God, I miss the sex. I need her and she hates me. I hate myself.
For the last few weeks I've been slowly killing myself by drinking and smoking my life away. I haven't come home without being drunk or high since Emma's been here. Fuck, I just need to forget about her. I mean, for the few hours that it lasts, my real feelings don't stick. It's just pure hatred and frustration, or a blank mind. There's no in between.

When I went to the kitchen to get aspirin, I realized my awful dream wasn't so much a dream, but very awful. "Emma.." I breathed out, kneeling beside her on the floor. She's asleep. At least I hope.
I held my hand up to her face. A perfect match. Marks of me are left all over her body. Handprints on her wrists, arms, hips, and face. She's still shaking. Trembling. God, how could I have done this to her.
I picked her up, and began to carry Emma to her room. She opened her eyes and began to push me away as she screamed bloody murder. Every little piece of my body feels more broken every time she punches me with her weak hands or screams.
I didn't let go though. I took her up to her room and laid her down on the bed. True terror was visible in her eyes and you can see her shaking viscously. "I'm sorry." I sobbed before leaving her alone.

For the rest of the night, I sat right outside her door. Every now and then I could hear her loud sobs, or screams of pain. I did this to her. Everything is my fault. If I wasn't such a fuck up, we could be wrapped up in each other as we lay in my bed. She'd be smiling. She'd be happy.
Something fell. "Fuck!" I heard her say. "Fucking hell! Why does this happen to me! Fuck!" she sobbed. Now movement. Her crutches are hitting the floor. Another loud thump. "Fuck!" She yelled.
I slowly opened the door. She looked at me with fear in her eyes. She's such a mess. Tears all over the place, hair in her face, a water stain all over her shirt and pants, and she's lying on the ground. "Please just leave me alone. I didn't even do anything to bother you. Please." She begged. "Let me help you." I choked out. She shook her head. "I don't need your help." I ignored her and went straight to her dresser and grabbed new clothes. She watched my every move, frozen in one spot.
I walked over to her spot on the ground and sat beside her. She slightly gasped and flinched when I pulled her into my lap. "It's okay." I whispered. She stared at me, still frozen. I pulled her shirt off over her head before realizing she didn't have a bra on. Surprisingly enough, she didn't move. She didn't say a word. She kept eye contact and I didn't dare break it.
I put the new shirt on her, being careful with every movement, then did the same with her pants. Thankfully she did have panties on.
"I was drunk." I said as I pulled her joggers up. She looked down and a tear fell out of her eye. "You promised." She said again. "I did. And I broke yet another promise. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry." She didn't move. I heavily sighed before speaking. "I'm in love with you, Em. I still am. Every damn day I go out and slowly kill myself just to get you off my mind for a few hours. I fucked up. I fucked up so much, and I understand why you hate me. I'm still hopelessly in love with you, and I can't tell you how much it hurts." She brought her hand up to my face, slowly cupping my cheek. As her thumb moved back and forth on my face, my stomach jumped and I wish we could stay like this forever. And when she hugged me, I felt like all of those little broken pieces are coming back together. With her head lying against my chest, and arms wrapped around my neck, she sobbed on me. I snaked my arms around her lower back and pulled her close to me. She's back in my arms again.
In the smallest and most fragile voice, Emma asked me to shower with her. I did as she asked, and carried her into our bathroom, setting her on the sink. I kept the lights on low and undressed her, being careful with every move. As the bathtub filled, she kept eye contact with me. When she got off the sink and looked in the mirror, I wrapped my arms around her, and buried my face in the crook of her neck.
I got in first. Next Emma laid down in between my legs. Feeling her bare body against mine feels so great. I missed this. "Woah hey calm down." she lightly chuckled. "Sorry, your bare ass is kind on my balls." I chuckled too.
We barely spoke. I wrapped my arms around her torso, and she wrapped her arms around mine. I loved this. It was so calming and peaceful. I never done anything like it. I mean yeah, I've had shower sex, but this wasn't anything like it. We didn't even have sex.

I carried her into my room and gave her my sweatshirt. After both of us got dressed, I sat down beside her on my bed. We didn't say anything. I stared directly into her eyes. I can't even think about what I did to her. Emma's studying my whole face though. She'll go from my eyes, to my lips, to my hair, back to my eyes, then stopping at my lips.
Without thinking, I kissed her. I cupped her face and pulled her towards me, smashing our lips together.

GUYS I'M GOING TO A 1975 CONCERT IN EIGHT DAYS AH I'M SO EXCITED