Waiting For Tomorrow

Nothing To Lose

When I was little I used to imagine that I'd grow up and have a lovely family. Well, thats what could've happened.

I open my eyes, only now I am not conscious,. I see a family. Three kids, two boys and a girl. One of the boys looks about six years old, one looks about four and the girl looks about one.

It's christmas. Their parents are sitting on the sofa watching as their delighted children unwrap their gifts.

They look happy, the whole family does.

The parents both look familiar. Could it be? Me and Tyler? The woman looks a lot like me but older, the man looks a bit like Tyler yet has short hair, thats what makes it confusing. Is it him? Or am I just assuming that because of the way I feel for him?

But who it is doesn't matter. What matters is that they're both happy. I am happy. This is my future. No. This was my future.

A deep feeling of regret sinks into me and then everything goes black again.

I open my eyes once again revealing a boy. The boy I love. He's sitting on his living room floor.

His long brown hair hangs down over his face as he looks down at his maths book. He must be doing homework. He seems a bit frustrated with it.

What am I even doing here? Am I dreaming? Whats going on?

Suddenly I hear a phone ringing and Tyler's mother's voice as she answers it.

"Hello, who is this?" She asks putting down the things she was cooking with, "Oh hey Celia, is everything alright?"

Celia? Celia is my mum. Is she on the phone with my mum? Why is my mum calling her?

I look back over at Tyler noticing he is now looking up, he seems confused. Is he wondering why my mum is ringing his mum?

"Oh my, are you serious?" His mum asks as Tyler gets to his feet and quietly walks to the kitchen doorway to listen in on her conversation.

"What? I-I can't believe it," She stutters nervously, "How am I going to tell Tyler?"

Tyler suddenly seems extremely worried as his mother puts down the phone.

"Tyler, did you hear that?" She asks quietly as he nods with tears starting to flow down his face.

"It's Silva, isn't it?" He replies. His mum nods and tightly embraces him rocking him back and forth.

"I'm so sorry honey," She cries, "But Silva was found earlier under the bridge, she committed suicide, she's gone."

Tyler suddenly pulls back out of the hug. He seems angry and extremely hurt.

"No!" He aggressively yells quickly running off. I think he's going to his room.

"Tyler wait." His mum yells but he ignores her.

As he runs upstairs, his mother cups her face in her hands and begins to cry. She feels her son's pain, she is also hurt from my suicide.

When loud crashing and banging sounds come from Tyler's room his mum quickly rushes upstairs.

"No! This can't happen! She can't be dead! You can't do this to me!" Tyler's voice yells loudly.

I don't know if it was the hurt in his face, or the way he seemed to get so angry when his mum told him, but I could tell that he felt terrible from my suicide. It made me feel terrible as well.

The next time I open my eyes, I see a girl. A girl that I had always hated. Kim...she's crying.

"It's all my fault," She yells in anger, "It's all my fault."

Whats all her fault? What did she do?

"It was my fault that my mother killed herself," Kim cries, "And it's my fault that Silva killed herself as well."

What? No!

"I'm a murderer!" She sobs into her hands, "I never wanted to hurt Silva, but I had to, they wouldn't accept me unless I did."

The very last time I open my eyes I see a skinny, pale grey body laying still on the cold, dirt ground underneath the bridge. My body. Blood is everywhere. It looks like a crime scene.

As I approach my own, dead body I bend down on my knees picking up the blood covered blade laying on the ground next to my dead body.

"What have I done?" I whisper

I have hurt everyone, and I never believed anything would get better...but it would have, it did in my glimpse of the future. My life was going to be incredible.

The guilt and pain consumes me.

"Tyler k-kissed me, I made incredible friends, dad left and g-grew up t-to have an amazing f-family," I choked, "I've fucked everything up, I never wanted to hold on because I was scared it would get worse, I did not believe that it would get better at all."

I stroke the hair of my dead body while sobbing, "I should have just held on, no matter how much pain I would go through, when I would finally die of natural causes, I would forget all the pain anyway," I try to wipe the never ending tears, but it doesn't work because they just keep coming, "I wouldn't have regret. But it would have gotten better, I saw it."

I don't want to leave my body, I want to stay there and cry. I can't ignore the great feeling of desolation and woe inside of me.

When the darkness comes once more, it's an immortal darkness.

My last feeling is regret.

I have now lost my chance of Waiting For Tomorrow.

Nothing To Lose - Billy Talent