Never Let Go||A Destiel AU Fanfiction

Chapter 16

"Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope." -Maya Angelou

~

Dean's Point of View

Dean wrote the letter late at night, over a bottle of liquor, he said things that weren't right to say...and because of his drunken state, he left it in Cas' room. He hadn't even remembered it until Castiel told him.

Afterwards, he couldn't bear telling him it wasn't true, when, in fact it was true. Cas was dying, and the other things he said...he wasn't sure if he meant it or not.

The day the doctor told Dean that Cas was going to die; he felt the same way when his grandmother passed, which was not too long ago. He felt meaningless, like his happiness got sucked out of him.

He didn't cry, he didn't let himself to, when he almost did; he took a swig of alcohol, sip by sip until he was relaxed, and the truth slipped between page and ink.

He staggered in his room, a bottle of beer in one hand, and the letter in his hand. He stumbled over the furniture, dizziness taking over the more he drank the bitter, dark liquid, which poisoned his thoughts.

Dean sat on the chair, pulling it up close, plopping down as he stared at Cas with tired eyes. It must've been 8 or 9, but, the beverage made him sleepy.

"I didn't want to be friends with you," Dean slurred thickly, pointing at Castiel, as though the man can see him. "Because people like you die."

He chuckled, shaking his head as he took a long gulp of beer, shoving his tears down.

"I didn't want to love you." He stuttered quietly, "I didn't want to love you, because I knew you wouldn't live in the start. But, I still stayed, because I'm just that stupid."

He was silent for a few seconds, tears brimming in his eyes as he stared at the resting boy, and slowly, Dean moved his hand into Cas'.

Castiel stirred slightly, but Dean didn't pull away.

"Why can't we switch places?" Dean murmured, "Why can't you be healthy instead of me? You deserve it more."

Then, he cried.

The liquor only made him heavy with nausea, no matter how much alcohol he drank, it didn't take away his pain.

By the time it was midnight, his chest was heaving from broken gasps. He stood up, but dizziness took over as he scurried to the bathroom, his vomit spilling into the toilet.

He slouched against the seat, and the vomit eased his emotions, his state of drunk still lingered, but he stopped crying, he stopped his feelings, because to him, feelings made him weak, and vulnerability was something he didn't need in this situation.

He got up, and walked out of the door, not glancing at the boy, not even bothering to grab back the letter.

He regretted saying certain things to Castiel, but some things he said, out loud and in the letter, were based on his fear of falling in love with Cas, which was ridiculous, because, it already was too late.

Dean fell in love with him months ago, without realization.

He didn't try to ignore Cas afterwards, there was just uncomfortable tension between them, and it didn't soothe, not even when Dean brought back the Harry Potter book. In fact, Cas declined when Dean wanted to read to him.