Harry Bath - A Walking & Talking Disaster (Chapters 1-19)

DEFENDER OF JUSTICE

Hi. I'm Harry Bath, and my blog is the template on how not to live your adolescence. However, if you fancy being a loud-mouthed virgin who's loathed by their entire school, get your notepads out now.

It had been a strange period for me and my friends. Brandon had a sort of girlfriend, Tim had actually being trying in I.C.T, and I now had a job!

But one thing I also had was a very big reputation as an overly righteous cunt. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, the common room and it's functions were run by a group I can only describe as either selfish, or Fascist.

This group, defined by everyone else as "cool" or "popular" had the cemented mentality that it was ok to bring a ghetto blaster to school, plug it into the common room mains, and play ear torturing rave music as loud as they possibly could. I wouldn't mind so much, but the one thing that is nice about break and lunch time is the chance to congress with friends about the day's events. Or at least it is when there aren't 20 chimps in the corner who think it's planet of the fucking apes.

Speaking of Ape's, for once it wasn't me going 'Ape' shit about something. My politically correct, but socially anxious group came to the consensus that a stop must be put to Cornelius and Co's antics immediately. But as none of them had the bollocks to talk to the temperamental primates, there was only one twat stupid enough to actually go over and confront them.

And of course, that stupid twat was me.

I could hardly say no could I? The hopes of an entire social group resting on one man's shoulders. The dreams of a quieter tomorrow hanging in the balance. What else was I supposed to do?

Besides, what was the worst that could happen? It's not like they were completely irrational!

Oops, my mistake. They were all cunts.

It's not like I was asking for Calvin Harris' head on a stick, all I wanted was for the volume to be at a suitable level so that people could actually enjoy the sound of their own thoughts. But they didn't see it that way. I simply walked over calmly and said, (or rather shouted):

"Hey. Hey sorry to be a pain in the arse sweetheart but could you maybe turn the music down a little because my mates have got a headache"

The response I got was baffling:

"Well, if you wouldn't have come over with that shitty attitude maybe. But seen as you're a sarccy little prick, fuck ya" *turns music up?*

Well! That. Was. It. It's on bitch.

Everyone has that moment when being calm, collected and civil just doesn't cut the mustard any more. For me, this was that moment. What I did next I both regret, and totally don't regret simultaneously.

In a rage filled vengeful strut, I made my way to the table at the end of the room below where the plugs were located. I climbed the chairs. I mounted the table. And then I pulled the plug from the wall to the sound of a massive surge of electricity and a gasp from the unbelieving crowd that stood below me. I then turned and said:

"Now that my friend, is a shitty attitude"

As awesome as the applause, whistles and the "ohhhhhhhhhhhhh" from the crowd felt, it wasn't long at all before absolute pandemonium broke out.

Dinner ladies rushed in, teachers were alerted, and most worryingly for me, an angry wench with a taste for blood was storming my way.

"What the fucking fuck do you think you're fucking playing at you little scrawny long haired fuck?! You've fucking broken his fucking speakers and fucked up the fucking schools fucking electrics and now you're gonna fucking get it for fuck sake!"

I just stood there amazed by both the amount of fucks in a sentence even by my tragic standards, and the fact that literally none of my friends backed me up. Fucking none. I of course pointed out that DJ Cunt had just turned on his speaker again meaning that there was no way it could be broken, whilst also making it clear that the lights were still on and people's phone's were still charging, meaning that her bullshit about the school's electrics was a pityful way of trying to take the moral high ground and make me feel bad.

They didn't, all they did do was get me dragged into an office with Miss Blake.

At first she was quite angry. She even threatened me with Mr. Swain! What was he gonna do? Lie to me about more facilities that don't exist?

I explained what absolute bullshit the 'broken speakers' claim was, and it was soon confirmed by another member of staff. She then retracted her accusations, and I was told that although they shouldn't have music on, I acted innaproppriately, and should apologise. So I did the right thing...

...And told her to fuck off.

Was I bollocks apologising?! They begged me to, but I refused about 60 times. In the end, a truce was made with the imbeciles, with the agreement being that no one brings speakers into the common room any more.

They didn't really stick to the agreement in the long run, but it was ok, I didn't mind. All it meant was that we got to have some tunes on too, and no-one could say shit. I even felt a bit like the president of the U.S.A. Half the school loved me, half the school wanted to burn me alive.

In hindsight, it was only a small victory. But people still ask me what came over me even now. Maybe I felt brave? Maybe I wanted to impress Sofia? Maybe I just hate Ellie Goulding? Who knows?

But I do know one thing, If there was ever a single moment where people made their mind up about me, it was this one.

But fuck 'em! To paraphrase Forrest Gump's mother:

Life is like a box of chocolates. There ain't one that everybody likes.

Thanks,

Harry.