Harry Bath - A Walking & Talking Disaster (Chapters 1-19)

MY GIRLFRIEND -PART 1

Hey. I'm Harry. And in my blog I wear my heart on my sleeve, and leave my manners at home.

I was a week or so into my new life at Hall Cross, and my main task was to get through the first month without totally alienating myself. Things took a little detour when I sat on the common room cake on 'Cake Friday', causing uproar and widespread emotional upheaval in the process. If people valued me as much as they did that fucking cake, I'd be a lot happier right now. Fucking cake... I looked like I'd shit myself, but all people cared about was this fucking chocolate cake...

Back to it, and for those of you who know me, you will know all too well that I've never really been a hit with the ladies, (If anything, I'm more known for my urge to hit some ladies), and for those of you who don't know me, you will be able to tell that just from looking at me. But every now and again, a princess can fall for a toad, (and I am a Toad) meaning that I was strangely optimistic about bagging myself a top quality girlfriend. Upon asking my Dad of his opinion, he told me that I had more chance of platting fog than getting a girl to sleep with me.

Regardless of my Dad's crippling words, I wasn't giving up yet. Sid told me that the key to gaining female attention, is to not care. Of course, being a complete dipshit, I took this advice to mean say what you like, piss people off and be a complete turd to everyone. Oh don't worry, that only came later. At this moment in time though, I thought Sid was either mentally ill or trying to wind me up.

Anyway, I could've been given girl advice from God himself, but without approaching any females, I literally had no chance.

With this considered, I lined up my first victim, (who I won't name for reasons that involve shame and a mahoosive boyfriend) and began planning my strategy slowly and carefully. 10 seconds later, I found myself in the presence of a beautiful young woman who didn't even know what was about to happen.

That wasn't meant to sound rapey, but considering what was about to happen, it would've been less awkward to stroll up and motorboat her.

I started with the basics. An introduction.

"Hey I'm Harry"

A question.

"What's your name"

And then, a complete humiliation.

I figured to get straight in there. No point delaying anything. It would only make me feel worse right? But what was even worse was her reaction to my very next sentence. I asked her whether she wanted to hang out sometime. Simple enough. But when she replied "sorry I'm busy". One thought occurred to me.

If you haven't had the same thought yet, think about it. I hadn't specified any sort of date, time, anything! And like a complete twat, I pointed this out to her. She looked like she was going to throw up. Whether this was because of the situation or just me in general remains a mystery to this day. It's not the rejection that gets me, it's the fact that she couldn't get it out quick enough that really stings.

And so like a little bitch, I ran away. I ran to the common room, where luckily no one knew about my horrific experience. I've mentioned it in passing, but up until now my first Hall Cross rejection has remained a secret. But with the amount I've been shot down in my life, fuck it, who cares?And with a kamikaze philosophy like that, who needs braces and the figure of Dobby the House Elf to get rejected?

It was a few days before I fully recovered, and thus vowed to get my head, and life straight before going out and actively looking for a girlfriend. I mean I look sad and pathetic enough already without putting all my energy into women.

Media had quickly become one of my favourite lessons. There was Me, Brandon, Tim and a few others. My irate and opinionated personality soon got the better of me, and it wasn't long before everyone became accustomed to my cunty behaviour. Is 'cunty' even a word?

But the main attraction, if you'll excuse the pun, was my table neighbour Sofia. Little did I know at the time that she'd rapidly become one of the most important people in my life. I first spoke to her under regular circumstances. The usual being she was pissed off at me before I'd even spoken to her. I accidentally wrote in her exercise book instead of mine, leading Tim to the conclusion that she was "a menstrual little bitch". Regardless, I was pulled in like a tractor beam, and there was nothing I could do to avoid wanting to be near her more

If Tim thought she was menstrual now, he wasn't going to believe the shit she had lined up.

This part of the story is called 'My Girlfriend'. Take from that what you will, and strap yourselves in, because if her revelation blows you away as much as it did me, you won't leave your bedroom for a week.

Thanks,

Harry.