roommates • lashton

3.1

I looked down in my lap and picked on my nails to avoid her eyes as I shrugged. "I don't know. I just didn't want to speak with him anymore"

"And why's that?"

"Because I don't like to be reminded of who I am," I said and shrugged simply, "I don't like to talk about why I'm not normal"

"And what is the definition of normal to you?" she asked and I just wanted to stand up and leave.

I had no problem with her. She was nice, so was Matt, but I could take any more talk about me. I didn't like to talk about myself, I'd rather just live my life and avoid myself. Everything that had to do with myself, I'd avoid.

"I don't know, not a psychopath" I mumbled and she nodded her head and looked at me intently before taking a deep breath and speaking.

"How are you feeling with yourself? Would you say you like yourself, Ashton?"

"No, absolutely not," I spoke while shaking my head, "I'd rather say that I hate myself"

"And why do you hate yourself?"

"Because I don't see a way of loving myself when knowing exactly what I've done" I spoke.

She was quiet for a few seconds before speaking up softly, "Does this have to do with the incident when you were 8, or the accident with your mother when you were 13?"

I tensed up when hearing her speak about my mother, and started to clench and unclench my fists to calm down.

"Both, and more" I mumbled and she nodded her head.

"Can you tell me why?"

"I-" I spoke and took a deep breath before speaking again, "I nearly killed both of them. I've nearly killed a lot of people in my life and I don't want to, but it just happens. I can't control it because I just disappear in my anger and I'm worried that I'll one day get the news that I've actually successfully killed someone"

"You describe it as 'a lot of people', can you be more specific? Are they family? Are they friends? Or what would you call them?" she asked and I bit my lip.

"Well, it's been a bit of it all. There was my classmate, then there was my mom, then there was my best friend. It's been guys I've met during soccer, and that mostly Luke" I mumbled.

"Is Luke the boy who you've had an on and off war with?"

"Um yeah," I answered, quite surprised she knew who he was, "And he's now my roommate during the camp"

"Okay," she spoke and nodded her head, "You also said you disappear in your anger, what do you mean by that?"

"I just disappear. I sometimes reach a limit when I get mad, and after that limit I can't control my actions and I can't remember what I've done. It's just blank and I don't know what to do to prevent it" I said.

She nodded her head and moved her chair around, scribbling something down in her notepad, before speaking again.

"If you imagine some of these people you've had incidents with dying, how would you believe you'd react?"