roommates • lashton

3.1

"Have you taken them since you came to this football camp you are participating in?" he asked and looked at me with professional eyes.

I hesitated before nodding my head, making Matt furrow his eyebrows.

"I've taken them a few times, yes"

"And why was that? When did you feel the need to take them?"

"When I feel-" I started and took a deep breath before talking again, "When I feel like I go too far. When I get too physical"

"Physical, as in..?" he asked.

"Physical, as in fighting people, I guess," I spoke and shook my head, "I mean, when I feel like I get too close to seriously hurt someone"

Matt listened and nodded his head before letting the pen in his hand scribble down notes on a notebook by his side.

"Do you feel a change in your body after taking these medications? Do you feel like they have any side effects?" he asked and looked up at me again.

"I don't know, these are the only meds I've ever taken, apart from the bipolar meds I took before the diagnose, so I don't really know what to compare with. But I wouldn't really say that they make me feel good"

"In what way would that be?"

"I feel out of place, I guess. And when I play I want to be focused, so I feel like I can't take my pills, and that makes me torn between what to do. I don't feel normal with nor without taking my pills, and I wish for something in the middle"

"Okay," Matt spoke and wrote more words into the paper, leaving me alone in silence.

"When was the last time you went on a check-up?" Matt asked after a while, making me shrug.

"Too long, probably. I try to avoid talking about my disorders as much as possible because I really don't like to be reminded of it"

"Is that why you kept it a secret from your coaches?"

"Yeah, and almost everyone else in my life" I mumbled.

"And why's that?" he asked softly.

"Because I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to treat me like some charity case. I just want to be normal and don't get any special treatments. I just want to live like a normal human being"

**

"So Ashton, tell me about yourself" Dr. Bailey spoke and from her chair as she was turned to look at me who was seated on the big leather coach diagonal to her.

I sighed quietly and pursed my lips before speaking up. Telling her simple fact about who 'Ashton Irwin' was and what he did, what he likes, and who he was striving to be.

She was quiet the whole time and nodded her head, humming from time to time, as she was quickly writing down notes in his notepad. It was all quite agonizing, but I just sat still in my seat and kindly answered her questions.

"So, I've read the files I've been given from your previous psychologist in Perth, and I saw that your last appointment was almost two years ago. Why's that?" she asked and eyed me curiously.