Fine for just a moment (A Mister Morgue fanfic) [Freakshow]

Chapter 6: "Only my own hate."

/Three years earlier/

In my room was, realistically, probably the last place I should have been right then. Normally, when someone feels like this, they go talk to someone.

Problem is... I didn't someone to talk to.

New state, New people, New world, and I know it should be bright and shiny and happy, but like everything else that past year and some change.... it wasn't....

I stared at my Netflix list, needing something to put me to sleep... It was almost 3am...

I could have watched a nature documentary, or something about criminal psychology.... but in the end I chose something else, for fear I'd be too interested in the others.

Reality Tv.... that oughta be boring enough....

And with that, I turned on something from AMC.... Freakshow.

What I expected was something boring and/or discriminatory towards people who are different.

What I found was the exact opposite...

As a kid, I'd dreamt of living like they did. Sideshow was to me, as princesses were to every other girl I ever saw.

But I gave it up to a lack of wonder, for practicality. I built up a new dream, one I thought would be more real.

Fashion designer.

But by the time I was 13, I realized even that wasn't practical, not for me. Lady Gaga wouldn't have worn the things I designed.

It took me awhile, but eventually I began to see my love of sideshow reappear outwardly. I began painting my face in eyeliner and eyeshadow for school, New designs every day. Not too long after, I started to learn Poi.

I lived off the energy of the few people who enjoyed what I did. It was all I had in the end, because the hatred from everyone else left me drained.

But when I moved, I no longer had either. Only my own hate for who I was. All I'd ever wanted was to be accepted, and make people happy.

That night, watching that show until 4am, I realized I was doing it all wrong. It was then that I knew that I could pursue my dreams and still be accepted, and that I would make more people happy following my dream than I would without.

And I realized I didn't need anyone's approval but my own. Everyone else will come around.

I thought I'd see derogative portrayals of the people I'd dreamt of being like, but what I found was hope and hero in a place that still had people like what I was now determined to become.

What I found...

Was a drive.