-^* Are we clear? *^- | Haobin

-^* 12 *^-

The whirring sound of the electric fan and the low hum of the radio. That's what I opened the apartment door to. Hao had come from this direction, so my main concern was what he had been talking to Matthew about.
It still buzzed around my mind the wonder of what 'big fight' that me and Yuxuan had before. Why did it happen, and could it make me understand this whole situation better? That, and pure curiosity of my own experiences that I no longer remembered.

I had already said goodbye to Hao, I didn't say much to him. He explained that he had to get home and I let him leave. I wished I didn't, I needed to hug him, hear him speak more, engulf his scent and enjoy his presence for just a while longer. I was still frustrated with him, but my whole body was depleted without him at this point and it felt like I was just starving myself of him every second we spent apart.

I walked into the living room to see Matthew sat there, only the glow of a dimly lit lamp lighting the room. He stared off into space, seeming in deep contemplation. I'd only seen him like this a handful of times. The last was the first memory I have after the accident. We arrived at my parent's house and he sat next to me on my bed, staring into nothing just like this.
"Hey..." I muttered, sitting beside him. He snapped out of it, glancing over to me and giving me a weary smile. He was bothered by something.
"Hey Hanbin, how was your mom?"
"She knows that I know...about the accident."
He sighed, his smile fading. I felt terrible. He was always dealing with my troubles for me.
"I saw Hao leaving...what did you talk about?"
"What do you think? He's a mess. He was telling me about how his guilt was unbearable and how no matter what he did he felt like he was just making it all worse," He sighed and turned to me, "I'm not sure how much longer I can cope with it all...I want to help you but...it's all a bit too much for me right now."
I knew that. He was feeling the weight of all my problems because he was the mediator. He was Hao's only way of understanding the old Hanbin. How I wished I could remember what he was like.
"I'm sorry, Matthew. Thank you for everything, from the bottom of my heart. I'll sort this all out." I reassured him. I was bluffing of course. How could I fix it? That look on Hao's face when he saw me had shattered me to pieces. I was fighting another meltdown, I knew if I didn't sleep tonight I'd be in that state again tomorrow morning, where I can't move or speak.

I let Matthew go to bed without asking him anymore questions. He was too exhausted to answer them anyway. I had to talk to Hao myself now, no more of this distance.
I sat in bed, wavering over the call button once more. I took a deep breath and pressed it slowly.

"Hanbin?"
I sighed with relief. It was him.
"Hao..." I uttered back.
I curled myself into my sheets and closed my eyes tightly.
"What's...what's up?"
"Can we just...talk for a while. Not about what's happening...I just need to talk to you. We can talk about that in person but- just- tell me about what happened after I hit my head, with you. Where did you go?"
My mother's words were on my mind now. Surely he didn't abandon me. He wouldn't do that.
He took a deep breath as he seemed to rustle around for a moment.
His voice lowered, his words almost a whisper.
"When you were admitted to hospital I stayed with you as much as I could. I slept there with my head on your arm most nights. You were like that for about three or four days. My mom had already planned for me to go to China after my exams which were coming up close. I began studying at the hospital while you were in a coma and I was the only one there most days since Matthew was at school and your parents at work. That meant I was the only one there when you woke up. Matthew came after school and found me just staring at you. At that time you couldn't hear anything. Then, when you could, you said Matthew's name, turned to me and said 'who's your friend?'. I think it caught me so off guard that I couldn't speak. You stared at me with no recognition, and I left. I up and left. Partly because I didn't have the guts to tell you who I was and why you were there. My mom made sure that my host family were sending me into classes and that I was studying for my finals. Once finals were done I tried to visit you again but by that point you were at home and your parents didn't want me near you. I left for China the day after that, I didn't tell anyone and all our mutual friends presumed that we broke up since you didn't remember who I was. Of course Matthew kept in touch, but he told me about that guy you dated around last year when I had just arrived back in Korea so I thought it was completely over and I didn't bother to try and contact you at all, which is when I began avoiding you. I made so many mistakes, I know that and I can't forgive myself."
It was so comforting. Understanding him was my biggest comfort. Even at times like these when our relationship was at its worst, it was so freeing to hear these feelings from him. It let me know his reasoning, his thoughts. It was like a drug to me, getting to know him again.
"Is that all you called for?"
"Mmm, I just needed to hear you talk about yourself again."
He went silent for a moment before clearing his throat.
"That reminded me of the Hanbin I knew when we were together." He chuckled.
'Were'. It hurt a little. We never formally broke up,  then again I didn't remember most of our relationship. Yet, that past tense still felt like rejection in some way. But I'm sure that's how he must have felt when I dated someone else.
"I got Deja vu the second I saw you, you know...at the dance studio." I confessed.
"It's not Deja vu if we actually did meet before..."
"Whatever, it's Deja vu to me."
We giggled together. How homely, how natural and sweet.
My mother was right, I had been attached to him for some time now, ever since I saw him really.
"I missed this...laughing together...I haven't heard you laugh in a long time."