-^* Are we clear? *^- | Haobin

-^* 6 *^-

Am I undeserving? Why does the sea come towards me yet go away as soon as I come near. The tide pulls back as I push forward and I stay in a loop of reaching for something that I cannot grasp. I wish I could just jump into the sea and become a fish, and never set foot on land again. I'd be so much happier. But unfortunately humans cannot breathe underwater and they do not have fins. I'll never be a fish, so the water stays to tempt me with what I cannot have.

-^* Are we clear? *^-

His eyes were dark like concave details on a stone monument. His hair blew in the gentle wind and his lips pursed. His expression was blank, he looked like a picture taken out of a scrapbook, something ornate and pretty. Yet, there was darkness and sadness behind his eyes. I stared at him, in that sorry state. All I could do was stare. Partly with wonder, partly with concern. Sometimes if you stay still enough you can feel time passing. I felt it staring at him. Not enough time. Not enough time for my brain to understand what was missing here on its own. Part of me wanted to leap at him, grab him and force him to tell me everything. The other part of me felt something so much more complicated than that. Deep and sorrowful desire, I wanted those eyes of his to stay exactly where they were, on me, so that I could experience every moment in his life for myself. Every fibre of my being wanted to understand. He looked guilty, I hated it.

Hao left in a hurry, leaving me to follow Matthew into the house. I remained silent, waiting for him to make a move first. Somehow I felt betrayed by him. Like he'd wronged me for not saying something sooner. They met at that dinner for god's sake.
Did they all know the whole time? Did they mutually understand something I didn't? What could I believe at this point...
Matthew sat me down and scurried into the kitchen, retuning with two glasses of water. He placed them on the coffee table, the clunk of the glasses hitting the wood making me flinch a little. He sat down and blinked nervously, like there was something in his eye. He leant over and stared at the ground for a moment, wobbling in place.
"I wanted to let you live ignorantly...I hope you don't hate me..." he began, his voice hoarse like he'd been crying, "but Hao he- he said he just needed you to know. I shouldn't be the one to tell you but I'm not sure he can."
I frowned.
"Just tell me...all I've heard recently is strange things with double meanings. The gazes I once thought were kind seem strange now, sympathy for something I didn't even know about. So just spit it out already..." I sighed, glancing out the window at the darkening sky.
"You remember high school, don't you?"
I nodded.
"Most of it." I reiterated.
"Most, not all." He replied. He sighed, exhausted perhaps, maybe terrified. I was no longer looking at his face, so I couldn't tell, "when you were in senior year, Hao joined the school as a foreign exchange student. You were in the student council at the time and met him on a few occasions. I'm not sure myself how it happened, but after running into him a few times you two became close. You were good friends. You knew Hao was going back to China in the summer, so you decided to organise some sort of meet up where he would meet your family for your birthday. I wish I knew how it happened but the two of you ended up having a huge argument. You tried to hug Hao while he was upset with you and he pushed you away, not knowing how close you really were to the edge of the staircase behind you. You were in a coma for a few days and for a while I thought I'd lost you. I didn't blame Hao, hoping you'd stay friends but he hoped you'd never meet again, he felt so terrible that you got hurt because of him that he shut himself off and avoided you at all costs. You lost most of that year of your memory and forgot Hao even existed, and I never told you because I didn't want to resurface those memories when Hao wanted nothing to do with you...I'm so sorry..."

Fucking hell

Work on Monday felt like some sort of sick punishment. I was battling with my own mind, tangled and twisted in ropes of lies and disbelief. One part of me couldn't possibly understand how no one had told me, how Hao had even acted somewhat normal with me. Maybe he wanted to know me again, but his shame kept creeping back. Thinking of that scenario made me feel shameful, like I'd done something wrong. That was possible though, I didn't understand the whole truth of our situation. The ropes were squeezing tighter around me, strangling me, popping my blood vessels.
I stumbled my way up to my locker and stared at its emptiness, hoping that the door would swing shut and clamp my head in it. Hao could walk in at any moment. I wanted him to. I was starving to just see his face, understand him even just one tiny bit after finding out what I knew now.

And yet, I waited there, no one arrived.

"Hanbin?"
I finally glanced up to see Mrs Kim standing at the glass door with a concerned look on her face.
"We only have yoga classes on today, did you not see my message?"
I felt like I was underwater. Her voice was muffled as my ears began to betray me. I checked my phone, there was a message.
"Are you okay- Hanbin?"

"Stop laughing at me, it's frustrating." His lips pouted. I leant forward and pressed my forehead against his, closing my eyes for a moment until I opened them again to peek at him.
"Hao,"
"Hm?"
I blew in his face, laughing as he snapped his head away, his face scrunching up like a raisin with disgust.
"Your spit got all over me! Disgusting!"
"Alright I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'll stop." I continued laughing as I wiped his face with my sleeve.
He suddenly held my wrist gently and pulled my hand away from his face and placed it on his chest. His heart, beating quickly, with intensity. His eyes glistened, the evening sky illuminating his face.
I pulled my hand away, turning my head as I felt my own heart pounding. As I turned back, I noticed the sour look on his face. He'd taken it the wrong way.
"Hao I just-"
Before I could finish, he'd gotten up and began to walk away. I stayed put, still feeling my heartbeat throbbing my eardrums.

Hey guyssss sorry the update took over a MONTH! Oops! I had mock exams and was busy with work it just got a bit too much but I am very sorry. This was an important chapter to be fair so enjoy and let me know what you think!