-^* Are we clear? *^- | Haobin

-^* 7 *^-

Was I dead? I felt like I was. This void, empty darkness. I hoped it was just the inside of my eyelids, yet, when I blinked it was still nothingness. My whole body tingled, like I was in a sack of sharp pins. How I wished I could see something when I opened my eyes. I wanted to see Hao's face. But no matter how many times I blinked, still, this punishing darkness, taunting me.

-^* Are we clear? *^-

The bedsheets felt cheap, like plastic. They stuck to my skin in the heat, clinging to my arms and legs. The mattress was thin too, it hurt my back. I began to move in place, a breath escaping my throat as I fidgeted to break free from my uncomfortable position. Finally, I could feel my eyes opening, nothing but harsh brightness seeping through. I squinted, turning my head away from the sunlight. As my eyes adjusted more, I finally grasped my surroundings, a hospital bed. Around me was silence, deafening silence. The kind of silence you experience when you wear noise cancelling headphones, the kind of silence that makes you worried. The ward was busy too, bustling with nurses and patients. My ears felt numb, cold.
I suddenly noticed a body stood beside my bed, I glanced up at him, breathing heavily as my vision wobbled with my movements.
Matthew. His lips were moving, he seemed angry. What could he possibly be saying? I thought. I kept my gaze on him, indifferent and unsure.
"Hanbin?" He mouthed, his head crooking to the side. He kept his eyes on me for another moment before he quickly turned and began striding over to a nurse. I was opening my own mouth, trying to make noise. Was I making noise? My throat hurt.
As I continued, the nurse Matthew was talking to, along with another quickly came over to me, pressing their fingers to their lips. I was making noise then, they were telling me to be quiet. Why were my ears not working.

MATTHEW POV:
"He must have some temporary hearing loss, it happens sometimes to patients who suffer head injuries." The nurse explained. I stared at him from across the room as he stared back, his eyes so unsure, so strange.
"He had a bad head injury a few years ago, you said?" She inquired. I nodded in response.
"And he obtained another small head injury when he fell this morning, his hearing will be back soon. He's-"
As she went to speak on, I heard his voice. Not words, just a strange noise. Not even a scream, just a noise. He did it again, louder, then cleared his throat before he continued.
The nurse turned to me with a sorry look in her eye, then walked over to him as another nurse joined her. It crushed me from the inside seeing him like that again. It felt like it was all my fault. I didn't tell him to begin with, and now he was suffering all over again. I hadn't told anyone about this morning, and pleaded with Mrs Kim to keep what had happened a secret too. He had gone to work on his day off and fainted of dehydration and hit his head on the wooden bench in their locker rooms. I should have stayed with him, waited for him to be okay until I left him alone. I was stupid, reckless. I wanted to cry.

"I'll take good care of him, don't worry. Come and visit soon," I spoke softly down the phone as Mrs Sung took a deep breath on the other end of the line.
"I'm just so worried about the two of you, make sure he doesn't work too hard. Lots of love Matthew, eat well."
Once Hanbin's mom hung up, I placed my phone in my pocket and turned to Hanbin who was eating some food that I'd brought him. He could hear me to some degree now, often furrowing his brow if the ward became too loud. Part of me wanted to tell Hao, the other part of me thought it might just make it all worse. Sometimes it's better to stay out of other people's business, other times it's your responsibility to make things right for them. I think I felt the latter.

I stepped out into the hallway and pressed call on Hao's name, pressing my phone to my ear nervously.
"Matthew?" He questioned, his voice hoarse like he'd just woken up.
"Yeah, I just- I thought I should tell you that Hanbin's in hospital right now. He hit his head but he's okay."
"I'm coming."
Before I could reassure him more, the phone call ended. I didn't feel like I'd made anything any better. If anything it felt like I was intervening in things that weren't my business again.

HANBIN POV:
'This was a rift in my life', was what I was telling myself as I sat there, my hearing slowly coming back. I was talking to myself, enjoying the quiet sound of my own voice as Matthew had already left to go and shower at home. The pleasant sun was shining through the window whilst I nattered on, simply just repeating words to myself. Loud loud loud, quiet quiet quiet. I felt silly when I thought too much about it, and quickly closed my mouth, beginning to rustle my bedsheets instead to listen to the creasing of the fabric.
"He's just over here, his hearing is almost all back now he just needs to stay on fluids for a little bit and then he'll be ready to go home."
I glanced up, seeing the nurse approaching me again. For a moment I felt frustrated, I didn't want to have nurses tell me about how I was doing anymore. That was, until I saw the slender figure behind her, his chestnut hair covering most of his eyes. He looked guilty, like he'd done something wrong.
"Hao..." I whispered.

Once the nurse had left us, he stood there, staring at me solemnly.
"Say something at least, you're making me nervous..." I finally spoke, watching as his eyes surveyed me carefully.
"I don't know what to say...really."
"Maybe start with explaining, I want to understand what happened between us...from you," I expressed. He nodded regretfully, taking a seat in the chair beside my bed. He fidgeted for a moment, seeming conflicted in what he wanted to say.
"Back then...you were everything to me, absolutely everything." He began, his eyes closing as damp began to arise from his tear ducts, "We met when you first showed me around school, I could barely speak Korean back then so we didn't talk much but I found you comforting in how kind you were to me. We became friends, being in a lot of classes together and eventually I joined your friend group. We used to skip class together and sit on the rooftop. You'd buy me lunch and tell me about your family and I'd tell you about mine. We planned to go to China together in the summer after discussing it with your parents. When the time came, I visited your hometown with you and was expecting you to tell them about coming with me but- you changed your mind. I was so upset that when we were arguing I pushed you away and- I caused all of this. The first time I saw you after the accident you had no idea who I was, you recognised everyone else but stared at me blankly, and I felt so guilty that I left without a word. I saw you on the street a few times around my house and avoided you at all costs. I even hid myself in a bathroom at a restaurant for half an hour until you left once..." he laughed to himself, embarrassed, "and when I saw your name on Mrs Kim's hire list, I almost quit. When you saw me that first day you were there, I had refused to show you around and thought it would be best to leave you alone as much as I could. But- I was selfish- I still wanted to talk to you and I tried to, I even tried to be friends with you but my guilt kept creeping up on me. I was keeping in touch with Matthew back then, begging him to just leave it and let you live without remembering any of it. I never thought you could feel anything but hate towards me if you knew so I was a coward. I'm so sorry, Hanbin, I'm so sorry."
It was all piecing together, the faceless figure in my dreams and nightmares was him. The bliss of high school was him. The reason I missed my exams and worked as a barista for a year, the reason why Matthew took so much care of me the summer after my final year, the reason my mother was so apprehensive about me living on my own. It was all him.
I bowed my head and smiled. It was relieving more than anything. I had some sense, finally. For years I'd be drowning in a sea of emotions I didn't understand the meaning of, feeling like I was missing something. All those looks of sympathy, all the times that Hao had avoided me at work, whenever his face had fallen sad out of nowhere. I understood now.
"You don't know how happy I am right now." I whispered, looking at him as his hair moved from his eyes.
"What?"
"Tell me more. Not the sad stuff, tell me more about us."