Diaries Of A Directioner

Day Three

Day Two 3/13/13;

Journal;

So of you're wondering why i cried last night, its because i saw more hate. But its only getting worse, i didnt do anything wrong? Did i? No. Its 4 a.m. and im up still, I've been staring at my walls because i got a poster with the boys faces on it! Im also listening to the Take Me Home album again! Its so good! It would be amazing to meet them, id be complete. They are so perfect, and beautiful, and i love their personalities a lot. So my favorite in the group is still Louis, but i do still like Zayn! Niall is another favorite, oh who am i kidding, i love them all. I can't choose. Today i have a group meeting again, and im actually happy to go. I haven't been so down, and depressed lately. Im going to check twitter, ill be back. Xx

Present;

I opened my laptop, and logged into twitter, i knew id probably see more hate, but who cares.  

"@MyNamesTessa you're pic is disgusting." 

"@MyNamesTessa you could kill someone with just one look at them" 

"@MyNamesTessa you're a bitch." 

"@MyNamesTessa why do you even bother living?" 

And thats when everything hit all over again, my depression, my pain, and suicide thoughts. I kept rereading the tweet. "Why do you even bother living?" I could hear it rerunning through my head. And each time it did, it got louder, and louder, and louder. I couldn't take it, i replied back.  

"@EmmaHere You're right, why do i?" 

I hit enter, to send the tweet. I typed again, "Thanks to everyone, i not only hate everyone, i hate myself, even more. Goodbye." I slammed the laptop shut, and my phone went viral, but when it didn't stop, it was Sarah calling. I didnt touch my phone, i got up and started pacing. 

"I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" 

I shouted, i started to run for the bathroom. 

"TESSA? TESS! Whats going on! Are you okay?" 

I kept hearing my mom shout for me, but i continued to ignore her. Becoming frustrated with the lid, i opened it. Just then my mom walked in, and stared at me. 

"Dont touch me." 

I said with a deep voice. I didnt recognize my own voice, what was i doing to myself? 

"Please dont do this Tess, please." 

She begged, tears slid down her cheeks. I looked at the bottle in my hand, and back at her. I dropped to the floor, and brought my knees to my chest, throwing the bottle at the mirror. It shattered, and glass was everywhere. I cried, and cried some more. I tried to commit suicide again. When i finally decided to drag myself out of the bathroom, i saw Sarah standing in my room, crying.  

"Tess, youre alive." 

She said as she hugged me. I was confused, just yesterday she agreed with all the shit Emma was saying. 

"What do you want?" 

I asked her. 

"Im sorry for leaving you like that. It wasnt right, Emma is a bitch. And she deserves to be hit." 

I didnt know what to think, or what to do. But i nodded my head. 

"Well thats true." 

I said to her while i flopped onto my bed. My phone buzzed some more, so i opened up my twitter again. 

"Can i ask you something?" 

Sarah said, while laying back onto my bed. 

"Sure." 

"Why did you try to do it again?" 

Her voice echoed in my head. I showed her the tweets Emma has been sending me. And i showed her that Niall Horan has followed me and stuff! I closed my laptop, and talked with Sarah some more, then she had to leave.

Journal;

So today has been rough, again. Im not going to my meeting, im back on medication, and i tried committing suicide. If my mom weren't home, i probably would have gone through with it. And i wouldn't be writing this. Tears are flowing out of my eyes, because of what Emma said to me. She asked me why i even bothered living. I ask myself that everyday.