Red vs Blue : Mirage

Terms and Provisions

Sarge: A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless. Well, Grif, we'll miss ya. You were a good soldier. Using the broadest possible definition of "good." And "soldier."

Simmons: I've got his signal.

Sarge: He's probably a million miles away by now!

Simmons: Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

Sarge: But who knows what direction!?

Simmons: That direction.

Sarge: Exactly. We did our best Simmons, now let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?

Simmons: I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.

Sarge: Eugh, what direction did you say?

Simmons: That way, sir.

Sarge: Come on, let's go.

Cut to Sheila approaching over a hill toward three Blues.

Church: So Caboose is gonna be up front talking to her, and when that inevitably fails you keep Sheila distracted just a bit longer until Rayner can get to her and shut her off.

Tex: Okay, I'll do it.

Church: Uh- wha- that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

Tex: No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands it should be you.

Church: Oh well, in that case, we wan-

Tex: Forget it, deal's done.

Church: Dammit.

Caboose: Hum, how should I distract Sheila?

Church: Just talk to her, keep her attention, that's it.

Caboose: I don't know, uh... we kinda have a history? Ea, she may not want to talk to me.

Church: So? Tex and I have a history, doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

Tex: I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Church: Hoh, get off my back woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Tex: Please, you call this working?

Caboose: See, e- this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila. Only with more getting shot by tanks.

Church: Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow. Just smooth-talk her.

Caboose: I don't know how to do that.

Church: Just tell her she's pretty, or that she's got that new-tank smell or something. Compliment her treads, it doesn't matter.

Caboose: I don't know...

Church: It's easy. Look here, just practice on Tex, she's -womanish.

Tex: Pardon me?

Church: Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you wanna try this on your own?

As if on cue, a shell from Sheila explodes behind Tex.

Tex: I see your point.

Church: Go ahead.

Tucker approaches behind Caboose and Church.

Caboose: Hello Tex.

Tucker: Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off.

Church: Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Tucker: Interrupt what?

Caboose: Tex, I think you are pretty, and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands, and you would go with me? And when you went with me, you would be my real girlfriend.

Tex: I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should... definitely... do that.

Tucker: What the hell? Tex have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me, the love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world.

Tex: ...

Church: Hey, don't look at me, he's not part of the plan.

Tex punches Tucker out.

Tucker: Ow! What is going on around here!?

Caboose: I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

Suddenly their radio turns on.

Rayner: Oi! What the hell are you guys doing? Why haven't you started the distraction yet? My legs are cramping from crouching here!

Church: Ye-No, I mean, don't worry we-we got this, over and out.