Red vs Blue : Mirage

Terms and Provisions

Fade into Church, Tucker, Caboose, and Doc looking down on Sheila on one side, and Tex and Sister on the other.

Church: Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to distract Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.

Tucker: What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

Church: She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.

Tucker: Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Church: Yeah, that way. Come on, Caboose, let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

Tucker: Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the Red team. I hear he's in the market.

Doc: Hey who's the yellow soldier?

Tucker: That's just Sister, she's new.

Doc: No one told me about a new arrival. I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty.

Tucker: Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F.I.N.E. ...That spells fine.

Doc: Thanks. But I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

Tucker: I'm a doctor - a doctor of love. Ph.D. Certified Loooveology, General Harasstitioner. Sexicologist.

Doc: First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty. And also, Ph.Ds? Heh, not really doctors!

Tucker: Dude, you're a dork.

Sister: Hey!

Tucker: What's up, Sis, what'd you and Tex talk about?

Sister: Oh, she was just talking about everyone here. How you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, and if I try to become more popular than her, she would talk about me behind my back, and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry, and everyone would hate me... you know, girl stuff!

Tucker: Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff? This is Doc.

Sister: Hi.

Doc: Uh, hello, nice to meet you I'm the medic, eh if it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come to the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sister: Sure, lead the way. Seeya Tucker.

Tucker: ...What the fuck just happened?

Cut to Donut standing over Simmons' lifeless-looking body.

Donut: Sarge, I found Simmons; he's over here, sleepin' on the job.

Simmons: Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged.

Donut: Sorry Sarge, he's not sleeping; he's doing drugs.

Simmons: Hh, shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked. Oh, they must have used some kind of tranquilizer on me and ...Grif? Hey, where's Grif?

Donut: Maybe he's outscoring you junkies some more drugs.

Simmons: They must have taken him.

Sarge: Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?

Simmons: The people who ambushed us. We have to find him. Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock on to his signal in just a few seconds.