Red vs Blue : Mirage

How the Other Half Lives

Colors are dulled. Sarge is running up a hill, toward the camera.

Sarge: [with a slight echo] Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?

Cut to Church.

Church: [with a slight echo] Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.

Church runs up to Sarge.

Sarge: What is this place?

Church: Well, that's.. kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.

Sarge: Am I dead?

Church: Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

Sarge: Are you some kinda angel?

Church: [chuckling] Aheh heh heh.. am I an angel. Uh, [clears throat] yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.

Sarge: Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any.. I mean, my wallet's back in the car.

Church: Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh.. that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.

Sarge: I don't remember dyin'.

Church: Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.

Sarge: Hold on a second, that ain't fair.

Church: Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.

Cut to Sheila aiming at Church.

Sheila: Target locked.

Church: Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!

Sheila lowers her turret and drives off.

Cut to Grif and Simmons over Sarge's body in the real world; the picture is distorted, wavy anytime the real world is shown.

Grif: Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!

Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."

Sarge: Who is that? Who's there?

Church: Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

Cut to Grif hitting Sarge in the chest with the butt end of his gun.

Grif: You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!

Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."

Sarge: That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!

Church: He can't hear you.

Cut to Simmons.

Simmons: Grif, this isn't working. Why don't we just use our medkit?

Grif: Can't. I already used it to fix my shot knee.

Simmons: You were shot!?

Grif: Yeah. Courtesy of that fucking specialist.

Simmons: ....Well, we have to try something else.

Cut to Church in "Dead World."

Church: If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

Cut to Simmons.

Simmons: ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

Cut to Church in "Dead World."

Church: I'm leaving.

Sarge: I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

Church: Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?

Sarge: I thought they didn't like me.

Church: Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

Sarge: Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?

Church: Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?

Sarge: Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him.. he was my son.

Church: No way! The orange guy is your son?

Sarge: Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.

Cut to Grif rising to his feet.

Grif: He's breathing! We saved Sarge!

Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."

Sarge: I'm what?

Church: He's what?

Sarge: Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.

Church: What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!

Sarge: Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! [voice starts to fade away] Will I remember any of this?

Church: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

Sarge regains consciousness and stands up between Grif and Simmons in the real world, the wavy effect is no longer present.

Sarge: [clears throat] There. What... What happened here?

Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

Sarge: I always believed in you, Simmons.

Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.

Sarge: Grif?

Simmons: Yes, sir.

Sarge: Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.

Grif: [sighs] You're welcome, sir.

Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? [fade to black] Rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-ag-es? ...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. [long pause] ...oh yeah, shiatzu.