Red vs Blue : Mirage

The Haystack

Doc: Reboot her?

Tucker: Yeah dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and then you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

Doc: I don't think that'll work.

Church: Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter...

Tucker: Yeah, I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs worked out.

Church: We even rebooted Caboose's armour once. Although, that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

Caboose: It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there were no side-effects.

Doc: No, I mean I don't think it'll work because I'm not going back down there. She's not exactly in the best of moods.

As if on cue, Sheila fires t a shell up in the general direction of the gathering.

Doc: See?

Rayner comes out of the base with a toolbox and approaches the others.

Rayner: Okay, this has gone on for too long. I'd like to be able to take a nap without the constant threat of death by tank looming over me.

Rayner makes his way to Sheila---that is, until a tank shot hit him and sent him flying over the guys, their gazes following his flailing form.

Rayner: *thud* Oof! (gets up) Okay, let's try that again.

He tries again to get to Sheila---only to be met with pain.

Rayner: *boom* Aaaah! *thud* Ugh, fuck. (gets up) Okay, okay, I think I got it this time.

Once again, he runs towards Sheila---but alas...

Rayner: *boom* Son of a bitch! *thud* Fuuuuuuck... (gets up) Alright change of tactics. (turns to the guys) One of you create a distraction to occupy her. Then I'll sneak around the back and get inside her-

Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow!

Rayner: -and turn her off.

Church: And how the hell are we supposed to do that?

Rayner: I don't know, but figure it out. Captain's order.

Rayner walks off.

Church: *grumbles* stupid leader shit... Ahem! Alright, which one of you can be bait?

Doc: How 'bout Tucker?

Tucker: Who me? No way! I'm a lover, not a baiter.

Doc: Oh, that's your response to everything.

Tucker: What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker. ...How 'bout Tex?

Church: Yeah we couldn't afford it. If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kinda dumb, so that we could fool them in to betraying that trust, for our purposes...

Church and Tucker both look back at Caboose.

Caboose: Hey... everyone is looking at me. ...I love when they do that- Hi everybody!

Cut back to the vast underground lair, and two bodies lying motionless on the ground.

Donut: See? And these are the two bodies I was telling you about. At first I thought they were sleeping, but then I realised they were dead.

Sarge: Blues never sleep, they're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that "scheniving."

Donut: And you know what else? You can also tell they're blue because their blue armour.

Sarge: Yeah that too. You know at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal, but it's amazing how a couple o' Blue corpses can really spruce up the place, make it feel like home.

Donut: Yeah, we could hang a couple o' drapes, get some wicker chairs, oh, this place will be fantastic.

Cut to an alternate viewpoint of Sarge and Donut. After a brief silence, Sarge turns towards the camera.

Donut: Everything okay Sarge?

Sarge: What? Oh yeah. It's just that I can't shake this feeling. The feeling that we're beinnnggg watched- ha, got ya! D'aw, son of a-

Donut: Um, that was pretty dramatic.

Sarge: Yeah, it usually works better if someone is standing there when I do that. ...Kind of like now- dammit. I'm normally not wrong about this kind of thing, hello- durka dur.

Donut: Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?

Sarge: No, stupid, motion-activated proximity radar. It's standard issue. I guess I need to get mine calibrated. Hey, what the heck is that thing?

Cut back to Simmons and Grif

Simmons: Sarge should be able to see us here, right?

Grif: Yeah, who cares. Hey, Simmons, I was thinking, if we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?

Simmons: That's a pretty good point... (slowly) Grif...

Grif: What the- are you okay?

Simmons has been shot with a spike from the Needler gun

Simmons: (slowly) Yeah, why do you ask?

Grif: Huh, you got a pink thing on you.

Simmons: (slowly) Wha? Like a snake? Get it off...

Simmons collapses

Grif: Simmons? Simmons? ...Huh?

Grif gets shot with a dart in the neck

Grif: Ow.

Nine more to various parts of his body

Grif: OW!

One more to his crotch for good measure

Grif: (slowly) Oh, wow, hey look, bat-people. Please don't eat me, bat-people.