Why Am I Here? (Red Vs Blue)

Episode 31: Room for Rent

Tucker: Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting pants'd in high school.

Church: I found that part to be entirely out of context.

Tucker: But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the AI.

Tex: I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that the AI can be transmitted from host to host by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

Church: And then I can have my body back. Deal?

Tex: Deal.

Church: Alright. Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go once we get him out of there.

Tex: Right.

Tucker: What?! How the hell am I gonna do that?

Church: I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Tucker: Come on, you know how I feel about plans.

Tex: You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast.

Tucker: Oh, I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast?

Church: Yeah, that's right.

Tex: Yep.

Tucker: Wow, you guys are a lot of help.

Church: Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box.

Tucker: Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.

Church: Okay, Tex, ladies first.

Tex: Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?

Church: (mumbling) Bitch...

Tex: Nice try, Leonard.

Church: Hey, Caboose!

Caboose stands up and turns around to face Church.

Caboose: Huh?

Church: Heads up!

Church and Tex runs into Caboose to possess him.

O'Malley: Noooo...!

The two wake up be in a large, gray room with walkways and large pylons coming out of the ground.

Church: Where are we?

Tex: We're inside Caboose's mind. Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him.

Church: Man, this is kinda weird.

Tex: It's hard to get used to, I know.

Church: No, it's not that.

Outside Caboose's mind. Caboose repeating what Church is saying.

Caboose: (possessed) It's just that this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it was gonna be.

Tucker: (walks up to Caboose) Caboose, are you okay, buddy?

Caboose: (possessed) This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

Tucker: O-kay. I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez and figure out some way to get the Reds to shut off their radios.

Caboose: (possessed) Where should we start, Tex?

Tucker: What?

Inside Caboose's head.

Church: I said where should we start, Tex?

Tex: Just keep your eyes peeled. (Tucker comes up behind Tex) I guarantee (Church spots Tucker) O'Malley will come looking for us.

Church: Hey, Tucker! Is that you?

Tucker?: No. What're you? Stupid? Oh, wait. Yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

Church: What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!

Tucker?: Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food.

Church: What the hell? What's the matter with you?

Tex: This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's head. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker.

Tucker?: Man, I am so unbelievably stupid!

Church: Well, that's great, everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain dead as Caboose, then.

Caboose approaches from behind.

Caboose: I would not be so sure about that, Mister Church.

With the Red Team

Grif: Great idea, sir. I finally agree with you.

Mateo: To what? To workout?

Donut walks up to Sarge, Grif and Mateo

Donut: Hey, guys. We might have a problem here. Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who, might've thought that one of the cyborg parts we need for Simmons' surgery was a cupholder. And somebody, not naming any names here, might've left it, along with their favorite smooth jazz compilation CD, in the Warthog. I just don't know who would do such a thing.

Grif/Mateo: Was it you?

Donut: Yeah.. uh, no! (clears throat) I mean, NO. ...Dammit.

Mateo: Make up your mind, bro.

Sarge: Grif, you and Rivera and Easy Listening stroll on down and retrieve that part from the Warthog. Post Haste!

Grif: Sir, do you think it's safe to be outside the base right now? For all we know the Blues could've already fixed their tank. They could be advancing on us as we speak.

The marine takes out his binoculars and scans Blue Base across the canyon.

Mateo: I don't see them. I think they probably took the tank behind the base and went inside to get the damn thing repaired.

Sarge: Ahh, corny dogs! Even with Lopez helping 'em, it'll take them months to get that tank online, much less to get it movin' again.

Mateo: (puts his binoculars away) Yeah, it's a pain in the ass to even put the pieces together with only a few idiots working on it with no machine tools and have no knowledge of the damn thing. So, I give them... years, I think.

Donut: I hope you're right, because if I see that tank headed towards me, I'm totally gonna freak out.

Mateo: Oh, you better not.

Across the canyon to Tucker, Sheila, and Lopez.

Tucker: Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out when they see us coming.